Thursday, September 19, 2019

I'll Do Anything For a Way Out of My Head. #BB21

So, I'm sure you know by now that Jackson won the final PoV competition of the season.  And it is the most powerful PoV medal to have around your neck, too, because it allows the holder to choose who will leave the game in 4th place.

Because right now there are only four house guests in that house, sharing that large space in the final days of this very long season of Big Brother.

This is how things stood just before the PoV competition:

HoH:  Nicole

Nominations:  Holly & Jackson

Sole Vote to Evict:  Cliff

So now that Jackson will be saving himself, there is only Cliff to replace him in the nomination chairs, and only Jackson to place the vote to evict live tonight on the last Thursday night show of the season.  And we'll finally get a Jury segment tonight on the live show.  At least one segment, maybe two, because trust me there is not much to see from the live feeds.  And what there is to see is pretty eye-rolling.

Like in this picture of Jackson and Holly with more of the tender love embraces.  I know you have noticed how we have to witness Holly slowly straddling Jackson at least twice now on every damn CBS episode.  I think it's funny how shady her edit is....they only show Holly doing one of the following activities, because in reality this is ALL SHE DOES in there:

*  Straddling "Mickey" and holding on like a toddler
*  Putting on makeup, particularly her extra-annoying mascara application process
*  Compulsively arranging her hair to ensure adequate camera coverage
*  Agreeing with "Mickey" and acting as a sounding board for his soliloquys and tirades

At one point of this season, Holly seemed like she was ready to play this game and resented her obvious portrayal as being just "with some dude".  But I guess somewhere along the way she slipped and fell into it.  We even saw subtitles last night with her saying she loves Jackson, but he didn't say it back.  Jackson seems to only love his Mama, and has frequently talked this summer about being friends with Holly after the season ends, but I don't think she's aware of that.  Earlier this summer Jackson even said he would hook up with other girls during the post-season parties in Las Vegas,and said Holly would be okay with that and would party right alongside all of the action.

We'll see about that.  I'm sorry for Holly because I know she will be very hurt when she learns more about what was really going inside and outside the house with regard to her game.  But it is what it is at this point, Holly Allen.  You have another week to straddle Jackson in your Forever 21 fashions.

I boldly stated the following in Holly's pre-season scouting report.  I know it sounds mean, but often I say mean things in those scouting reports and end up LOVING the house guests in the game. (Like Kathryn Dunn this season, JC Moundiux last year, etc etc etc.)  Unfortunately I stand by this statement.  Sorry Holly.

Jackson was understandably very, very happy to win this PoV comp.  There is some chatter out there about how Production helped Jackson by giving him some sort of extra information during the competition.  But I looked into that and apparently Nicole and maybe even Holly needed the same type of clarification from Production.  It sounds like they emphasized certain words in a sentence so they could understand the meaning.

So I understand this narrative is juicy and fun to speculate about, but I have doubts that it's true.  I know Jackson looks like the type of BB winner they'd like to have at this point, but they also know how problematic he is for many reasons.  But to Joe Casual, kicking back on the Lazy-Boy recliner watching the show, Jackson is likely a hero.

There is no way in hell that Jackson is going to evict Holly tonight, no matter how hard Nicole and Cliff try to make that happen.  Holly is the only one who will take Jackson to the Final Two without question, so he has to take her in case he doesn't win the final HoH competition.

Cliff's knee got all banged up and he's definitely feeling pain as he moves around the house.  I think that fight that Tommy and Jackson took quite a toll on Cliff.  Everything took quite an ugly turn and the atmosphere in the house is very different after Tommy left the game.

I'd be lying if I said I've been watching a lot of live feed action.  I haven't.  When I turn on the feeds it is usually Jackson and Holly laying in bed and Cliff and Nicole spending time by themselves doing various activities.

There is lots of chatter out there about Cliff seeming to lose his grip that he's had on the game all summer.  He's making questionable decisions, and being very unrealistic about the choice Jackson will make tonight on the live show.  Immediately after the PoV competition, Cliff actually told the live feeders he thought Jackson would honor their deal and go to the Final Three with him and Nicole, which is absolutely delusional.

Cliff doesn't think that now, though.  Cliff knows he's leaving tonight, and is especially disturbed to know that his family won't be sitting in the audience on Finale Night. Only the top three players have family who get to sit in the studio audience.  Cliff's family will watch the Finale from the Green Room, if they choose to travel to Los Angeles for the event, that is.

Jackson is pretty sure that he is going to the Final Two, and certainly plans on winning the big prize, with that damned confetti on his shoulders, of course.  I believe he's mentioned that a few times on the CBS episodes.

This was the last night in the Big Brother back yard for Cliff, and it might be one of the last of the season, since Production starts setting up the final competition sets and the backyard interview areas during the last week of the season.  Cliff talked to the cameras, of course, clutching that stupid owl.

He got into the hammock by himself without falling and congratulated himself for that.  Is that difficult to do?   Does the hammock flip over frequently?  I've been in a few hammocks but don't make a habit out of it, so I don't know.

Jackson played Nicole at chess, and is the silent type while playing, while Nicole babbles nonstop both to herself and also the cameras, obviously nervous and anxious about Jackson easily beating her.  I don't know if Nicole plays chess very often, but it would have been nice to hear Jackson coach her up a little about why certain moves should or shouldn't be played.

That's one ugly chess set too.  Truly fugly.

Nicole and Cliff have been very upset with Jackson for breaking his deal with them, but in reality they were planning on doing the same thing to him, booting him to leave Holly in the game with them if they got the chance.  So I don't get where all of the self-sanctimonious posturing comes from.  They would have done the same to Jackson if only one of them had won the PoV.

And now Nicole feels stupid that she's stuck in the Final Three with a showmance. And I think Cliff regrets his decision to send Tommy out of the game last week, but he knows how many votes Tommy would have had on the Jury, so it's not like keeping him was a great option.

It's all been pretty boring, and I'm bored with it.  This has not been a good season for me at all, with all of the players who held my attention on the live feeds leaving the game so early.  I know everyone loves Nicole, and I like her too, but I hate how the Big Brother community "stans" house guests and then decides that if that person isn't your favorite player, you're trash.

It's a community of followers, basically.

This was the most interesting thing to happen lately---Cliff pseudo-blackmailed Jackson by telling him that if Jackson sends him to the Jury this week, Cliff will have six days to influence the Jury and says he will use that time to make sure that Jackson doesn't win the game.

It got to Jackson.  The idea that he might come all of this way and then have the confetti fall on him as the person walking out in front of him wins really seemed to knock Jackson for a loop, as they say.

He told Holly in the wee hours of this morning that he has answers to every question that the Jury might ask...every single person and every single question.

Jackson:  The only thing that could change that is if they are bitter voters who don't use the game when they cast their vote.  That's the only way.

(UM....what about TYLER?  And PAUL?  And PAUL again?)

Jackson:  I refuse to tug on heartstrings like Cliff would do.  And bringing stuff  into this game like 401K accounts and his family. Mentioning his family all of the time, this "STK 143" all the time is a strategy for him.  We all have family.  I have to send him home, it's the end of the road.  And if he goes back on his word and doesn't use game to cast his vote than that's on him.  He'll be a bitter juror.

(UM....Holly is the one you plan to sit next to Jackson.  She wants to win, too.)

This picture is so funny to me.

Fessy went to the colosseum, it appears.  And I had one hell of a time trying to spell that word.  I'm still not sure it's right, but I'm moving on anyway.

Fessy is still one good looking em-effer, ya'll.

I watched Tommy's extended interview with Julie, easily found on YouTube on the official Big Brother page, or whatever that is called.  Tommy calmly answered her questions and handled himself quite well.  It was obvious that Julie enjoyed talking with him.  He thinks that Nicole and Cliff made the wrong decision to evict him and not Holly, but graciously admitted that the two of them are very good players and could make it on their own to the Final Two.

Tommy:  ....but it would have been easier for them if they kept me.

Tommy got choked up during Cliff's goodbye message, as Cliff said he decided to stick with the alliance that he and Nicole made with Jackson and Holly.

Cliff: ....and also we needed to do it because you were too good of a competitor...

Tommy:  I KNEW IT!  I KNEW IT!

Tommy didn't even seem angry at Jackson for making up such a treacherous lie during the last 24 hours and then sealing Tommy's fate when Nicole and Cliff appeared to believe him.  (Cliff did tell Tommy in his message that they DID NOT believe Jackson.)

Jackson:  I'm so sorry, but I just couldn't risk Holly leaving the game..

Tommy nodded and said he knew that. He was a good sport about it all, but maybe that is the showman in him.  Maybe he will be sad later and let it all out.

He was touched to see Nicole, clearly fond of her and said he understood as she spoke, as if Nicole herself could hear him.

While I was on the YouTube site, I watched Christie's extended interview with Julie Chen as well.  And the detail on the knee of Julie's red dress is fantastic.  Perfect for this type of camera shot.

Christie was remarkably self-composed during her interview, for someone who got the boot during a live double eviction.  She didn't even get to pack her things before leaving.  But she recovered nicely and told Julie that all of her tears were 100% real.

Christie:  Oh, but maybe once....after Sys was evicted everyone was crying and I felt bad that I wasn't.  So I tried really hard but nothing came out.

Julie also asked her if she really has a sister (YES) and reminded her about a few of the times that Christie lied and swore on her sister's life.  Christie sort of cringed at that but it didn't shake her up as much as maybe Julie would have liked.

Christie also said she'd love to play BB again but might need a year off to process things.  She also said she's watched the live feeds before, but I don't know if we can verify that.  She certainly didn't sound like she understood how the live feed cameras worked while she was in the game, but maybe that was strategy, even though she was very upfront with the house guests about loving the show for years.


I tried to think of a clever title song that would somehow encapsulate what is going on in the house right now, but I'm fresh out of good ideas, it seems.  I listened to this song four times this morning, and I will probably listen to it another four times before the day is done.  It's just calming to me.

It's called Come Back to Earth, by Mac Miller, who left the earth way, way, way too early.  I listened to a lot of music that was new to me this summer, which is sort of exciting, actually.  It's opened up my world quite a bit, which is a good thing.


What a strange summer it's been for me.  The demolition of my master bath was unexpectedly scheduled on the first day of the live feeds, and the project and it's adjacent list of things to do are slowly crawling to a halt, probably a week or two after this BB season ends.

If I had known everything that the project might entail, and the mess of emotions it would put me through, I might have been tempted to push the project back another year.  But the result was and is stunning, so I need to be grateful for that, and grateful to be able to do this for myself, as well as the resale value of my house when I eventually sell it, which might be many, many years from now.

When we last spoke of this, the Non-Italian Floor MotherFuckers had shoved all of my bedroom furniture into my newly-renovated master bathroom, and had been rude to me and made me cry.  Once they finally finished all of the coats of whatever they put on the new floors, they came to my house last Saturday morning, two new guys I hadn't seen before, and they installed the shoe molding and then put my furniture back in it's place.

The damage I could see is was multiple instances of nicks and scratches on my freshly-painted walls and wooden trim around the doors, nicks on one of my new cabinet doors, and floor stain all over at least four of the 12 x 24 Italian floor tiles.  Those bastards didn't even try to avoid splashing their stain (or whatever) all over my new tile.  Even if it was old tile, and an old bathroom, shouldn't they at least try to avoid damaging it?  Especially since I was already a "problem" person for them.....they already knew I wasn't happy.  They already knew I was going to be a bitch about it.

I knew that the TDH GC was going to come by on Monday to take a look at the damages left behind, but I decided to send the owner of the Floor Company an email with a list of the things that I found, just glancing around.  He ended up coming over to my house on Sunday afternoon and getting on his hands and knees with a knife to scrape off the stain glue (or whatever) from the tiles, as well as some tacky blue tape that was still sticking out under the piece of wood that transitions from the tile to the wood.  It's shocking to me that the worker bees left things like that, and I doubt that the owner of the company will even talk to them about it.  He seems too interested in buying fancy new cars and getting way, way, WAY too close to me.  When he asked me if I had a knife he could use I said sure and walked to the kitchen to get one.  When I stopped to open the kitchen drawer this guy ran right into my back....he had actually FOLLOWED me to the kitchen to get the knife, which I thought was very strange, but WHATEVER.

For whatever reason I am attracting a lot of male attention right now, I guess.  It's just not always the right kind of male attention.


This isn't going to have a happy ending, so I'm warning you now.  I'm not unhappy about it though, but to be honest I'm still processing things and will need some time and perspective to put everything in it's proper mental space.

The last time I had been in front of the TDH GC in person was over a week ago, on the last major day of our renovation project.  And it was an INTENSE experience together that wanted to go someplace, but it never did, and I could look back and say I should have said this, or done that to transition to the next level, but in retrospect everything happened exactly as it should.  (Here at the bottom of this post.)

That whole experience left something heavy in the air, like some sort of loss, but I can only speak to that on my end of things.

He was scheduled to come see me on Monday, but he ended up calling me Monday and saying he had three guys blow off work without calling so he was dealing with all of that and we ended up having a pretty great conversation about how hard it was to be in charge sometimes and to motivate employees to do the right thing.  I told him I was a very understanding and forgiving person and he said that was "beaut-y-ful".

So he planned to come by on Tuesday morning to see the remaining damages and also bring over my barn door so he could have someone else install it later this week.  But from the moment he arrived on Tuesday (with a big hug) he seemed really stressed, and said he forgot to bring the door (unusual for him) and would have to come back later in the week with it.  We talked about some changes I want to make in my bedroom and he gave me his opinion about how I want to move the cable hookup and also some of the electrical outlets.  But unlike other meetings in the past, my bed is all made up in the middle of the bedroom because I'm sleeping in there again, so that was sort of weird.  There was a weird energy and it felt like he was shutting me out, keeping a distance with his eyes and his words.

When we were in the bathroom looking at the damage to the walls and cabinet door, I was trying to find the right way to describe how I took the Upper Hand back from the Floor Guy and I wanted to use Tony Soprano as an example of how where you are sitting and how other people approach you signifies power, so I said, "you watch The Sopranos, right?" and he sort of shook his head in surprise and said that The Sopranos is his favorite show and he sat outside just the night before with a drink and some paperwork and watched two episodes on his outdoor system (or whatever).

I felt the connection again as we discussed how Tony wields his power at the Pork Store and so forth,  but the TDH GC's energy was really down.  He seemed sad and he was being careful not to hold eye contact too long.  I remember thinking that the situation wasn't giving us the opportunity to build on what happened last time, and that he intended this to be the case.

I went out to the garage with him to check on how much paint we had left, and walked out to his truck with him and we chatted while he arranged some things here and there and then he came over to me and held his arms out for a goodbye hug. It was very warm outside and the sun was beating down on us as the clock ticked closer to noon.  I was standing on the curb, so suddenly I wasn't a short girl hugging him.  I was normal sized for a change, and because he was sort of bending down my face was right up against his.  Right cheek to right cheek.  So....I smooched his right cheek.  I couldn't help it, it just felt natural to do that.

Then the kissing started.  Right out there on the street, which was probably the safest place for us, or him, more likely, since it was far away from my fluffy cloud-like bed.  I was totally in the moment and sort of blacked out and didn't really stop and think about what we were doing and where we were until he stopped and was obviously very upset and told me he just couldn't do this.

SPOILER:  The TDH GC is married with a son.

Yep.  And I'm shocked now because he doesn't sound like he spends much time with his wife and certainly made his life sound single to me.  His wife didn't change her name, so she didn't show up in any exploratory Google searches I did months ago. I actually sort of know who she is and she couldn't be any more different than me.  She's the same nationality he is, so that is a familiar thing and they socialize with other couples who are the same, with intertwined lives and businesses.

He didn't do anything wrong.  He participated, but I pushed it.  I'll be honest, I'm kind of hard to resist right now.  I'm looking good all over, and I purposely wore cute clothes and was always sending "I LIKE YOU" vibes to him whenever I was around him, for at least the last month, anyway.

In a way it's a relief, because I was wondering why he didn't initiate some sort of outside date, because after all he's an Alpha Alpha Male who would not be scared to do that, and he clearly knew I was interested and seemed to appreciate so many things about me.  I am older than him, so thought that might be the problem.  But now I don't see it that way at all.  The problem is that he's not free to get involved with me, and if we did I don't think it would have been a "one and done" type of situation.  He's a good guy and doesn't want to make a mess of his life, I guess.  And I am a very understanding and forgiving person.  I told him that.  And it's true.

It makes things easy for me because now it's clearly over and I am going to move on and pursue other opportunities and directions.  I'm sort of peaking right now and I'm grateful to him for waking me up emotionally and making me interested in dating again.

BUT TODAY:  He asked me if I wanted the barn door installed today, on Thursday, or Friday.  I chose today and he told me he'd stop by to bring the door.  But today he pulled up outside and left the door leaning against the garage and then he left.  He didn't come to the door, but we would have been here alone again and what's the use of that at this point.

I'm not sad about that. I understand.  And I forgive.  And here I am with this sort of exciting story to tell about my summer renovation.  And he's so goddamned handsome with the kind of looks that will get better and better as the years go by.  Men are so lucky that way.

I have new projects I'm doing.  My closet is being installed soon and the bedroom walls and ceiling are being painted.  GET THIS:  An artist is coming over in the coming weeks to paint a mural on the trey ceiling in the the bedroom, a cloudy sky.  But a moody cloudy sky, not too cheerful, with lots of white fluffy clouds that will pick up the gray color on the walls (Sherwin Williams Dovetail).  That's why I want my bed to look like a fluffy white cloud.  And I have a new white ceiling fan being installed that looks like a prop airplane propeller.  So that will look cool against the cloudy sky.

I'm really going for it with these exciting changes, and then I'm going to step back and stop spending money like this.  (I just ordered a new dresser from Ballard Designs that is TO DIE FOR but won't ship until February, so that will be more money too.)  I'm not sure how the TDH GC will fit into the bedroom changes we already discussed, and the guy who installed the door today told me that the TDH GC will need to bring new handles for the door because the screws are too long or something like that.  I'm going to play it cool when and if that happens, but I'll bet he'll show up with one of the painters since they need to paint the door.

We need a chaperone now, apparently.  So I know it's not the happy ending that some of us hoped for, but it's rather fitting, in a way.  A summer romance that didn't really happen.  Just like this season of Big Brother that felt like it never really played out correctly to me.

OH, AND HERE'S THIS:   Anyone who says Friday the 13th is unlucky wasn't in my house that day.  I texted an old friend that I used to walk my dog with and asked how he was. He told me he and his dog miss me and my dog, and that he had a present for me if I would be able to meet him a few blocks away in about 10 minutes.  I thought he might have a picture of my dog and his dog together or something.  But it turned out that a member of his family suddenly passed away from mixing pills and alcohol while away on vacation recently, and it was my friend's task to stop by the house and do a sweep to remove anything embarrassing  (like porn, probably) but he ended up finding QUITE A BIT of weed and he gave it all to me.  I've never had this much weed at one time and it makes me a little nervous.  But I'm certainly appreciative of the gesture and put it in an old glass spaghetti sauce jar so my whole house won't smell dank.

So, the dead guy's weed is certainly numbing any pain that I might be feeling about the loss that I've just suffered.  There is symmetry to that, somehow.  And totally out of the blue.  So I truly will be floating on a cloud soon, after I press the Publish button and go downstairs to watch Cliff's live eviction. I truly will be out of my head before Cliff sits down to meet Julie Chen, and for that I am thankful.

I will try to post again before the end of the season.  Thank you for caring, ya'll.