Sunday, January 20, 2019

Who Will Shout? Who Will Pout? Who Will We Talk Shit About? The Star-Studded Celebrity Big Brother Season 2 Premiere is Tomorrow. #CBB2


And here we are again.  I'm back, you're back, and Julie is back, too.  I'm glad to see Julie back, although I did have my doubts as her husband's various legal proceedings with CBS played out in the past few weeks.  (Les is appealing the recent court decision, you know.)  But enough about that, because I have a lot to say and not a lot of time to say it.

Many of you know this is the time of year when I earn a living, preparing and filing income tax returns and other CPA-type activities.  I will certainly cover this season, but I'm not sure how that coverage will look on a daily basis.  I know I will be watching the live feeds as I work, and will be tweeting any significant spoilers or live feed situations that require my immediate attention.  For example, say Tamar slaps Kandi, or maybe we get some live feed action that we're not supposed to get, like footage of a PA restocking the storage room, or maybe leaked audio from the Diary Room as Ricky demands his vape pen.  Maybe Kato will burn a frozen pizza, or Lolo will bogart all of the ripe avocados.  All of the important stuff.  Yep.  As usual.

I am going to type for about an hour and I'm hoping to get through the entire roster of house guests, basically introducing them to you and then making a short statement about each one. And these statements may be chock full of facts, or just feelings or impressions, or maybe I just want to ramble for a few minutes about a related topic to shake the BB rust off.   I might say some mean things, too.  In fact, I'm sure I will.

If you are new here, or you don't like idle gossip, then you might want to skip out now and rejoin us when the live feed coverage begins.

And now, alphabetically by last name.

***JONATHAN BENNETT***


Johnathan Bennett is an actor with a long, long list of credits.  When the house guest list (the REAL list) was released, the fan community was abuzz with Jonathan This, and Jonathan That.  All of the social media "experts"  were sounding off on how he was sure to be a great Big Brother player, because "he knows so many former players".

I'll just say it:  I didn't know who he was.  He is certainly a looker and seems pleasant, and he did seem sort of familiar to me.  Then I learned he was the host of Cake Wars (and Cookie Wars and so on) and then I recognized him.  He's sort of a RoboHost on those shows, bouncing around and reciting his lines as the baking contestants dash around to win the prize.


But apparently the job that Jonathan is most known for is being Lindsey Lohan's crush in the movie Mean Girls.  Um.  Okay.  That movie was popular 15 years ago.  Mean Girls was alright, I guess.


Jonathan has aged well, that's for sure.  I was excited to have a contestant who is a known fan of Big Brother.  I thought he might bring a good energy to the house and be fun to watch.  And then I watched his pre-season interview with Ika Wong for ET Canada.

Jonathan NEVER SHUT UP.  He was INSUFFERABLE.  And I have bad news for Shannon Elizabeth, too.  She took a beating in several of the pre-season interviews.  Apparently nobody wants to be like Shannon, a smarty-pants BB player who gets the boot as soon as possible.  And because several cast members admitted only watching a few episodes of last season, Shannon is their template for Bad Game Play.

I still had hope for Jonathan.  Right up until I saw the 2nd 15 minute live feed leak last week.  Now I have heard all I want to hear out of Jonathan Bennett for a long, long, LONG time.

JONATHAN = (FRANKIE GRANDE) divided by (SHANNON'S BB GAME) times (FUNFETTI CUPCAKES).

The cast was obviously warned by Production that the feeds were about to go live for a short teaser.  And maybe to get their asses out of bed and put on a damn show for us, because CBS has some live feed subscription sales targets to make.  So everyone in that house learned who the CAMERA WHORES are going to be, as soon as they saw who LOST THEIR DAMN MIND and ACTED A TOTAL FOOL.

Ladies and Gentlemen:  Meet Jonathan.

Jonathan was conveniently leading an exercise class in the area outside the HoH Room, being as OBNOXIOUS and loud as he could be, verbally flogging a group as they did crunches, leg lifts and planks as Jonathan SHOUTED out commands to them and clapped at an alarming decibel level.  Jonathan wanted to be sure that EVERY SECOND of the footage would feature him yelling, shouting, and being extremely EXTRA, occasionally going for a heartwarming statement, shouting out platitudes such as:

*  WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT FOR?
*  WHY ARE WE HERE?
*  WHY ARE YOU GOING TO GO THIS FAR AND THEN SCREW UP?

And so on.  For those of you who watched the BB16 live feeds, you have to admit that Frankie's ab workout was at least catchy to listen to, with the musical clapping and all.  The adults in the kitchen obviously already HATE Jonathan, but were trying to be polite about it since the cameras were live.  I expect to see some scathing DR comments about Jonathan from Tom Green, and maybe Kato Kaelin if he gets drunk.

Jonathan thinks he's the star of this show.  We'll see about that, Jonathan.

***TAMAR BRAXTON***


Tamar is 41 and is famous for being on a reality show called Braxton Family Values, and has also hosted "The Real".  She is a beautiful lady and in her pre-season interviews she was sassy with just the right level of confidence.  Tamar says she's been watching Big Brother since the very first season, and I believe her.  She's going to wear a lot of wigs on the show, but is also going to sport a bald head as well, which I can confirm from watching her on the live feed leak.

Tamar is obviously a very popular reality star and has many enthusiastic fans out there.  But I will admit I've never watched her shows.  I only know Tamar because of her sister Toni Braxton, who was a pretty famous pop star back in the days when you could still see videos for most of the day on MTV.  Or at least a few hours a day.

This is Toni in her heyday, enjoying the days of Social-Media-Free Celebrity.



I worked on a project one time where our team flew home to Atlanta from Los Angeles every other week on the Thursday red eye out of LAX.   The flight usually started boarding at 10:00 PM so our group would go out for a nice dinner and a few drinks beforehand, and then a girl on the team gave everyone an Excedrin PM to take as we got on the plane, to help ensure we would all pass out for as long as possible on the 5-6 hour flight.

One week I took my seat in the middle row of five seats in aisle thirteen or so.  I was the only one in the row so I sat in the second seat over on the left.  Then just as the plane started to push back from the gate, Toni Braxton herself walked aboard and took her seat in my row, just two seats away from me.  Then it was just Toni and me in Aisle Thirteen, and I studiously ignored her the same way she was ignoring me as she situated herself to get comfortable for the long flight.

I had been working in Los Angeles for a few months and had learned to act very nonchalant when spying celebrities.  I didn't want to scare Toni off.  Plus, my Excedrin PM was kicking in and I was scared I would slur my words.  I was desperately trying to stay awake once the plane took off and a guy in the row ahead of us stood up from his seat and came over to talk to Toni.  And that guy turned out to be Cuba Gooding Jr.  He got a duffel bag down out of the overhead bin and retrieved a stack of photographs to show Toni.

That's how old this story is....we still carried around photographs on paper, and Cuba Gooding Jr. had a positive personal reputation.

Anyway, Toni looked at the pictures and laughed at some of them while Cuba stood in the aisle giving her info about this person or that person who was in the photo.  Toni somehow slept on that plane without drooling or messing up her make up.  She woke up looking like she had a light bulb in her mouth, her skin was so fresh and glowing.  I was watching, Toni.

So her sister Tamar is going to be on Big Brother.  That's all I know.

***KANDI BURRUSS***

Kandi is 42 and hails from right here in Atlanta.  It might be easier to say what Kandi doesn't do, rather that what she does do, because Kandi is a shrewd businesswoman who cashes her checks from several different sources.

*  Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Kandi has been one of the main cast members of this series for years. She's also had several spin off Bravo mini-series that focused on her family or her music business.

*  Kandi is a very successful songwriter who has written some huge hits for Beyonce, TLC, and countless other recording artists.  Even Meadow Soprano know Kandi's songs.  Kandi gets PAID, ya'll.


*  Kandi was a member of a girls group in the 90's called Xscape, under the Def Jam label (or maybe So So Def, not sure about that).  Xscape reunited last year for a sold-out tour and yet another Bravo spin off for Kandi.

*  Kandi was rather famous for a podcast-style show called Kandi Koated Nights  that featured a host of local celebrities candidly discussing their sex lives.  Naturally, Kandi shrewdly launched a line of sex toys called Bedroom Kandi as a sideline.

* Kandi has a clothing store called Tags which sells value-priced fashion clothing.

*  Kandi is putting together what looks like a caberet-type of show with a spicy BDSM tone that will star a few local-area actresses and singers.

*  Kandi and her husband Todd launched  a restaurant based on their popular family members a few years ago, and now have three locations in the Atlanta Metro area.  The chain is called Old Lady Gang, with the emphasis on Kandi's sassy Mama Joyce, her two sisters, and their famous Southern Soul Food.  I'm sure I will visit Old Lady Gang with some out-of-town visitors at some point, but I'm going to get really drunk because there is nothing on the menu that is plant-based.  Even the vegetables are stewed in ham juice, or whatever.  Kandi wants some of that Lisa Vanderpump restaurant money, ya'll.


I was shocked to hear that Kandi was going to be on this show.  Unlike most of the other contestants, Kandi could probably make more money NOT being on the show.  Because she's a shrewd business woman who likes to call the shots and get shit done.  I don't know how she's going to handle the boredom of the house.   She seemed shocked that she doesn't get to take her phone in there.

Her daughter Riley is a fan of Big Brother and urged her to accept the Big Brother offer.  HI RILEY!  Feel free to invite me to some of your watch parties, Riley.   

I know Kandi will make good use of this opportunity, no matter how the game turns out for her. Because that's how Kandi Burruss operates.  

***NATALIE EVA MARIE COYLE***



Pick a name and stick with it, girl.  I don't know who this girl is and keep hearing her called different names by the BB fans. I think she even said in one of her interviews that we could just call her whatever we'd like to.

I know what I'll be calling her, come March.   "WHO?"

Because even Wikipedia can't even decide what her professional name is.  And we all know Eva Marie, or Natalie, or Natalie Marie, or whoever she really is is the person who wrote this bio.



Natalie is athletic and beautiful and I'm sure I will have more to say once I get to know her better.  (Case in point:  Ariadne from last season.)  But for right now all I see is the annoying purple hair.  When I tried to find pictures of her for this post, every picture looked different, with wildly-different hair colors and clothing looks.

Don't believe me?  What does this girl really look like?  She needs to pick a name and a theme and stick with it, if you ask me.  And she didn't, of course.  Obviously.


It's Eva Natalie Marie Coyle from WhoVille.  Sorry, I'm not a wrestling fan.  I think she's one of the house guests who commented on how badly Shannon Elizabeth played last year.  And she is one of the house guests who pretended to enjoy being yelled at by Jonathan Bennett while she did sit ups.

Maybe Marie Eva Natalie is a good actress, after all.

***TOM GREEN***



Tom Green is all grown up now at 47, but he seems to be the same calm and sarcastic guy that he was decades ago, when he was the most famous Canadian face on American television.

Tom Green is really an enigma.  He was a HUGE star on MTV in the 90's, having several different sketch shows where he pulled pranks on his friends and family.  People were scandalized by the way he treated his family, but compared to later MTV shows like Jackass, it seems pure and childlike now.  He didn't even curse on the MTV shows, and I'm not sure he does now, either.

It wasn't long before Hollywood came calling, and Tom got some movie roles and met Drew Barrymore.  There were married for about a year, and I think some bad things happened to Tom during that time period.  I think we later learned that he had a bout with testicular cancer.  And their house in Los Angeles burned to the ground.  Supposedly Drew's dog (Flower, maybe?) woke them up and saved their lives.

It kind of sounds like a prank on The Tom Green Show, but it wasn't.  Well, he wasn't Drew's first husband, and certainly not her last.  Probably not even second-to-last.  I think Drew was his first and last wife, though.  I'd like to hear him talk about that on the live feeds, but he probably won't.  


Tom is very intelligent, that's obvious. I think he will be a very interesting house guest if you understand his brand of dry humor.  I get Tom.  And I heard him loud and clear on the live feed leak when he kept making snide remarks about all of the "energy" that Jonathan Bennett had during his exercise display.

He told Ika Wong that he'll try to watch his mouth in front of people, but will feel more free to be a savage in the Diary Room.  I hope that is what happens.  Make us all proud Tom.

***KATO KAELIN***


Kato Kaelin is 59 now.  Wow.  He looks GREAT and has obviously taken care of himself over the years.  Kato made news before the official cast leaked by making a ridiculous statement about why he would be off social media for a few weeks, which led fans to spot him sitting in the BB20 live finale audience alongside Omarosa.

Kato has been known as America's Favorite Houseguest for years, of course, so his casting here seems obvious.


I'm sure you know that Kato burst onto America's TV sets in the 90's when he was living in OJ Simpson's guest house and testified on the stand in his murder trial for what seemed like weeks.  The trial was a SENSATION like we'd never seen, and was broadcast live every afternoon, and during hours of cable news shows every night.

Everyone covering BB now says "Kato was a good friend of OJ's.", but that's not really true.  Kato was a friend of Nicole Brown Simpson's, and used to be her roommate.  OJ was very jealous and didn't want Kato to live with Nicole again, so he offered him the use of his guest house indefinitely, free of charge.  Maybe Kato helped him get drugs or something.  I have no idea, but the afternoon of OJ's murderous rampage, OJ asked Kato if he wanted to ride to McDonald's with him.  See, OJ needed to scarf down some fast calories so he would have plenty of energy to stab Nicole and her friend Ron to death.  Kato should count his lucky stars that he wasn't Nicole's roommate at that time, actually.

Anyway, he heard OJ climb over the back fence as he tried to sneak back onto his property without being seen, and there was very theatrical testimony about the thumps that Kato heard.  That area was where OJ dropped a bloody glove, but of course the LAPD fucked up the crime scene from here to Sunday so the prosecution team couldn't prove that the LAPD officers didn't plant it there.  (Never mind that the glove was soaked with Nicole and Ron's blood.....)  And one of the LAPD officers had a checkered past (Mark Fuhrmann) and of course if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.

Kato cooperated with the prosecution, but only to a point. Marcia Clark was fit to be tied, having to deal with Kato and his stoner-like, borderline-evasive testimony.  America was riveted.  Seriously.


Kato was pretty tightly-wound during the live feed leak, and seemed acutely aware that he was on camera.  Let's hope he calms down and acts naturally.  I don't think Kato will be the one to backstab and commit the Dastardly Deeds, because that's off brand for him.

I have a whole story about visiting the house on Bundy when the yellow tape was still wrapped around the bloody area, but now I've been typing for fucking HOURS and have to stop.

*****

As a matter of fact, I still have six cast members to go, but I just don't have it in me right now.  I promise to say more about the remaining house guests when I cover the live feeds.

Sorry about that, if I missed your favorite.  But I went alphabetically and have to get back to my real job.

I'll leave you with this, though. This is the Jokers Updates daily house guest popularity poll results since the cast was announced.  Joey Lawrence started out #1 on the first day, but soon fell to the bottom and has stayed there.  Probably because he told Ika that he agreed to do this show because CBS told him that if he did, they would offer him some additional opportunities.  And he said if he is evicted, so what, he'll just go home.  Good luck with that, Joey.

Look at Tom Green up there at the top.  He's got nowhere to go but down, of course.  And look at The Mooch, climbing the charts and stepping right over my girl Kandi.


2 comments :

  1. Kandi's inclusion puzzles me. Perhaps she's doing it for her daughter as you suggested or perhaps she wants to be more exposed to mainstream America?

    ReplyDelete
  2. JONATHAN = (FRANKIE GRANDE) divided by (SHANNON'S BB GAME) times (FUNFETTI CUPCAKES).

    This is as far as I have gotten and I am done with you already....lol that is a hell of a description. Now on to the rest of the post where I am sure I will be done with you again. Keep it up! I love it.

    ReplyDelete

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