Friday, September 15, 2017

If I Didn't Hate You, We'd Still Be Good Friends. #BB19

Last night was the last live eviction show before the Finale, leaving us with the Final Three players, whether we like it or not.  No one who watches the live feeds or keeps up with the action online was surprised at the outcome of the eviction, but the Jury House segments were the highlight of the episode.

And Julie looked nice last night.  It's not what I would wear if I were the host of a long-running summer series that airs three nights each week in Prime Time, nor if I was married to the Head Honcho of CBS.  But I guess it is noble of Julie to keep working at all at this point, heading up a daily talk show as well as the Big Brother coverage.  Some young, ambitious stylist needs to get in there, maybe even offering to dress her for a few episodes free of charge, to get their foot in the door.

As the show kicked off, in the "Previously on Biiiiiig Brother..." segment, we saw Paul doing that whole hands-on-his-head, self-indulgent, congratulatory address to the commoners, letting them know what an accomplishment it was for them to join him in the Final Four.  We saw him do this at the Final Six, and Final Five, too.

There is a whole thead on Reddit making fun of this cringeworthy moment.  So condescending and smarmy.  Paul has many skills and natural talents, but self-awareness isn't part of that portfolio.

That necklace though.

Paul nominated Josh and Kevin for eviction.  I'm sure Christmas felt triumphant that "her guy" showed such loyalty to her by keeping her off the block.

Kevin wasn't worried, though, because he and Paul have been tight since the very beginning.  Yeah, about that Kevin....

Kevin told the house guests yesterday about the origin of this gray turtleneck sweater, as well as the gray shawl-collared cardigan that he wears in the house.  As he packed up his belongings, he showed them that the tags said both sweaters were 100% Merino wool, and explained that his daughter bought both of them at a thrift store for $1.98 each.

Kevin:  And when I wore this one the first time (the cardigan) in here everyone said, oh, is that some rich guy sweater?  But it was $1.98 when my daughter bought it.

The conversation then devolved into Christmas bragging about her lambskin All Saints leather jacket being part of her daily wardrobe, with Paul chiming in that he has that same jacket too, plus every other cool leather jacket, too.

Then we were thankful to visit the Jury House, where Elena and Mark were playing cards with Cody sitting nearby.

Cody:  I'm not enjoying living in the Jury House.  In fact, I'm thinking of busting out of this place.

OF COURSE that is not the case.  But this type of attitude is what makes Cody Cody, and helped make these two Jury segments the best ever.  Mark and Elena chatted energetically about who they expected to see next...would it be Matt or Jason?

Cody:  I don't care.  I think Matt is a giant BLEEP. (pussy).

And it was Matt who joined them, of course.  And the couch suddenly seemed more crowded.  Matt says he made the mistake of trusting Jason, and then shared what the plan was supposed to be, which was to backdoor Kevin instead of him or Raven.

Mark:  Why would you need to backdoor Kevin?

Elena:  Did you approach Jason to ask what his plan was?

Matt:  I never spoke one word to Jason.

This was just too much for Cody, who got up and left, unwilling to participate in Matt's Jury segment any longer.  It might have been okay for Cody to just sit there and listen, but when Elena tried to get him to chime in on what Matt said, it was just too much.

Cody  They're trying to get me to start something, so.....

And with that, Cody left the room to watch Judge Judy reruns alone in his bedroom overlooking the pool.  I just made that last part up, but whatever.

Matt has somehow figured out that Paul is the one running the house from a strategy viewpoint, with Alex and Jason running the house on the competition side of things

And then a few days later they gathered to see who would appear next.  Matt thought it would be Jason or Alex, and Jason it was, getting a big hug from Mark at the door.  Mark missed Jason, he said, as Elena snarked that she thought they were about to start making out.

When Jason walked in he told them that Alex or Paul "backdoored the snot out of him", so everyone was kind of shocked about the Alex part of that story.  Jason suggested they all watch the tape with him to help figure out what the heck happened to his game.

Back in the old days, the new jurors would carry in an actual VHS tape with the footage on it, and we would see them fiddle with the VCR, but now I think someone from production just hooks up their laptop to the TV or whatever the latest technology requires.

When they got to the HoH competition (Ready Set Whoa), Jason warned them that it would be hard to watch.  He showed them how everyone threw the competition, including Alex.  When they got to the part where Paul "stumbled" out of the gate, Jason said he thought Paul was behind the whole thing.

Mark, probably SICK to his stomach:  Oh my God.  Christmas won it.

They watched Christmas Joy hop to the finish line in her fucking tutu as Jason told them with disgust in his voice that they never even ran a lap of the competition, because everyone fouled out ahead of time.

RIGHT HERE:  Christmas probably lost the Jury votes, due to the sheer disgust over this situation.  Or maybe I'm just projecting, because anyone who was SERIOUS about trying to win this competition WOULD NOT wear a fucking tutu for the occasion.  Not even Flo Jo would have the balls to go that route.  WHAT A JOKE.

And THIS is Flo Jo, bitches.  Also known as The Fastest Woman in the World.  RIP QUEEN.

Cody liked Jason's exit, though.

Jason:  I should have walked across the damn table like you did.

And then Raven showed up, in spite of Matt's hopes that she and Paul stay in the game as long as possible.  Raven was wearing a pair of stripper shoes, but I wasn't fast enough to get a picture of her stepping out of the limo wearing them.

Matt's back was sweaty.  I'm sure some CBS viewers somewhere were dabbing at their eyes, due to the tender reunion of these two lovers, but not in my house.  And probably not your's either.

Everyone gathered to watch what happened to lead to Raven's eviction, in the second half of the double-eviction that claimed Jason.  Alex was still wearing her Whistle-Nut gear as she won HoH, pointing at the sky and saying "THIS IS FOR YOU JASON".

Jason was shocked when Raven leaned over and told him that Alex had no idea that Jason was the actual target, but everybody else knew.  These were the last words that Raven spoke in the Jury House segment that didn't lead to laughter or outright scorn from her cast mates.

Jason:  I just feel bad for......the thoughts that I was having about Alex.

(And also his comments in his interviews, too, I'm sure.)

Jason has gone through many stages of grief since he was evicted, changing the culprit each time a reporter phrased a question to him differently.  But now he has the information that was missing, so he can move on to acceptance.

But Raven then became the story, as she let everyone know that she and Matt had a Final Three alliance with Paul.

Elena:  We all did.

Raven:  No, me and Matt were Paul's REAL alliance.

Jason: Then why are you both sitting here?

Raven:  Paul and I were the puppet masters in there...

Everyone laughed.

Raven: ...okay, maybe not Paul, but I was pulling all the strings in there.

Elena:  This is hilarious.

Then after a commercial, Julie sent us right back over the Jury House, and I realized that although we've heard his name a few times, we have not had to look at Paul for at least 15 minutes, so that is cause for celebration this season.

Jason was playing pool with his homies Mark and Cody as they discussed who they thought would appear at the Jury House next.  Jason didn't want to see Alex.  And I see Raven and Matt doing some conspicuous canoodling back there, so I want to make sure you see that, too.

And of course it was Alex, dressed as The Weiner Girl, as she proudly announced she was saving the world  One Wiener at a Time.  Alex explained her attire by saying they all missed BB Comics week, so they should get right to the tape to learn what happened.

When they saw the BB Comics PoV competition, Raven and Matt were thoroughly impressed with Raven's Arkansassian Comic.

Matt:  Haw haw haw!

Raven:  That is perfect!

Mark: It's not the Puppet Master?

When they saw the footage of Alex apologizing to Holly, Gatlyn, and Baby Dent for failing Jason, he was touched and said it wasn't like that, it wasn't all her fault.

Some folks are chattering about these two being on The Amazing Race.  I'd watch that.  I think they'd put on one hell of a show.  In fact, since TAR has been doing kitchy casting lately, I think they have enough talent to have a whole "Reality Couples" season.  They've flirted with it, by having Brenchel and JeJo and also Ramber, but let's see the train wrecks, too.  And maybe "Vicole", since CBS has put their budding love affair on blast lately.

But I digress.  Jason wanted to drop some knowledge on Alex, by telling her that "these two" (Matt and Raven) had been running the entire game.

Alex:  I see you guys have been having fun here, but I'd like to go back to the other house, please.

Jason:  Well, it would be fun, if it weren't for those two.

And this was enough to set Raven off, with the screeching and the pointing.  Maybe Production showed them the whole Da'Vonne vs. Paulie Jury segment from last season, or maybe Raven was just feeling Arkansassy, but she sure had a lot to say.  And Matt had nothing to say, as usual.

Raven: WHAT THE BLEEP?  What did we ever do to your game?  We've just been in our own world, ignoring you.

Jason:  Thank god for that.

Then Mark jumped in, saying he's never seen a puppet master who never won anything and Raven attacked Mark, saying he's "won nothing but to throw condiments at Josh".  And Mark went right back at her.  And look at Matt, sitting there enjoying himself in a black blouse.

Mark: The way you're both so satisfied with the way you played just floors me!

Raven:  Why are you such a shit?  That's probably your middle name!

Elena:  No it's not  It's GORDON.

(Ha ha ha ha.)

Howard Stern always said that the crazy girls with Daddy issues were the ones to hook up with for the best sex, so maybe Matt could testify to that.  I think Howard would tell Matt not to give her his full name and number, but it's way too late for Matt to heed that advice.

Jason was LOVING Mark's chatter with Raven, and Elena was too.  Cody couldn't stop smiling, either.  It was great entertainment for everybody.

It's like having a front row seat at a Jerry Springer taping, I'm sure.

Somewhere in this mess, Alex told them about Paul plotting to get Jury votes through his various shennanigans.

Jason:  He can forget about these Jury votes.

Mark: He's coming in second.

Elena:  Well, we've all helped Paul pull the strings he wanted to pull.

Cody:  I didn't.

Alex, reaching out to fist bump Cody:  RESPECT.

I don't think all of this means that Paul is destined to lose BB19.  It's possible, but they still have their big Sit Down with Dr. Will (or maybe Derrick?) to help them sort out their thoughts.  But I don't think CBS cares either way now.  They've set up Paul to be The Villain, and these Jurors to be The Heroes, so it's a win-win either way for the network.

In fact, Alex said she'd still vote for Paul, and Raven agreed, saying "it's the game".  And they are right, it is the game.  And it's never the same, even after 19 seasons.

I almost forgot about the live eviction, not to mention the live PoV ceremony, but all of that still had yet to occur.

Paul did not use the PoV, of course, and I saw Kevin's eye twitch, and he looked pale.  I'm not sure he discussed the PoV plans with Paul, but he did indicate that Christmas needed to leave, so Paul knew that if Kevin was replaced on the block with Christmas, she would be the one to go.

And for whatever reason, Paul wanted to drag Christmas just a little further in the game.

Josh must know that these ceremonies are viewed by the Jury, so he used his speech to hammer home a few points about his game this season, and how he got to this point. It's really irritating to me that Christmas is in this situation, being the one to cast the sole vote live on TV.

If she is the last one to join the Jury after being evicted live on the Finale, will she use her crutches to hobble out onstage?  Or will she hop her way over to her seat with the Jury?  I think CBS returned the scooter to get their deposit back, so that option won't be available.

Kevin's speech was....does it matter what Kevin's speech was?  Kevin is a repeater when he's nervous, so he said the same things a few times here, but in his defense he's been on the block four times in a row now.

It's hard to be clever that many weeks in a row.  Just ask Elena.

And then it was Christmas' Big Moment, and that moment stretched into minutes that seemed like HOURS until finally she sent Kevin out to his fate with Julie.  Kevin left like a gentleman, of course, telling everyone to enjoy themselves, and there are no hard feelings.

As he left, Paul mentioned Kevin's brother Richie, who died of cancer.  Look for Paul to wear Kevin's Richie's Rebels shirt at the Finale, since Kevin left it for him.

Kevin came out to a roaring crowd, making his struggle to carry his BB duffel bag look like a pimp roll.

Julie:  You're probably the best dresser we've ever had on Big Brother.

Kevin:  I'm probably the ONLY dresser you've ever had on here.

If you had any doubt that Paul is a damn DOUCHEBAG, you should watch this goodbye message again.  Paul said that if Kevin is seeing this, then "Christmas went rogue" and Kevin indicated he agreed with that. Does Paul really think the Jurors won't discuss his outlandish lies told during every good bye message?

(Don't forget that Paul didn't even watch BB18, and never really watched a whole season before he played the first time, so he has some large gaps in the procedural areas.)

Paul's hairy head bobbing during these good bye messages makes me mad every time I see it.  I just can't help it.  I didn't like Paul last season, and didn't like him this season, either.

But Josh said he had a deal with Paul and Christmas, and getting Kevin out was their final goal.  I could see a twinge of sadness on Kevin's face, but he recovered politely, and carried on like the showman that he is.

As we've learned, everyone in the Jury (except Cody) had a final three deal with Paul, so I don't think they are going to think Josh is so special because of that.  They just think Paul picked the weakest duo to drag to the end with him, because that is what he did, and that will be a bittersweet lesson for Josh and Christmas to learn next week as the season comes to an end.

And then it was over, but Kevin is not on the way to the Jury House.  Instead, he's headed off to a hotel, and he will join the rest of the Jury on a set on the CBS lot to film the Jury round table some time today or tomorrow.  And everyone else will be sequestered alone in a hotel room, too.  But they can watch movies, and maybe read a novel or something, so it's not all bad.

After what we just saw, I'm not sure Kevin would even enjoy that Jury group, anyway.

FUN FACT:  Last night on RHAP (a GREAT episode), Andy Herren said that McCrae left the game in this same spot during BB15, and he never went to the Jury House either.  And Amanda was there waiting for him, which is hilarious.  Andy also said that the girls in the Jury were so aggravated with Amanda that they made a pact not to vote for McCrae to win if he made Final Two.  He also discussed how after Gina Marie needed stitches after a PoV competition, Production deducted the cost from her stipend.  Yep, that happened.  Andy is concerned that Christmas will leave the house owing hundreds of thousands of dollars.

And then the Final Three toasted with a bottle of Dom.  But Josh started chugging his glass before everyone was ready to toast, so he got a second glass.

Christmas: You messed it up, Josh.

Paul:  Are you kidding me?

Josh:  I couldn't help it.  I got excited.

I guess someone had to be excited, Josh.