Wednesday, August 9, 2017

I'm Badder and Radder Than You Are. #BB19

Yesterday was actually a rather quiet day in the house, until Jessica got heated and lost her shit.  But earlier in the day, Kevin and Jason strolled around the yard, as usual when the sun is out and the house guests are allowed to go out and play.

If you want to know who Kevin really trusts, all you need to do is watch him with Jason during their walks.  Kevin seems to share all info with Jason, but more importantly, his feelings about the other house guests.


Kevin is obviously more trusting of Jason than he is with Paul.  He's been trying to make a play to work with Cody after Jessica leaves the house, but even if that doesn't work out, I think Kevin has successfully built a bridge with Cody to keep him off the block if Cody regains power.  And maybe I should say "when" instead of "if", because I can certainly see that happening.  Perhaps very soon, too, if history is our guide.


A talented BB fan created this funny picture about the two of them walking the prison yard.  Or "yahd", depending on who you're talking to.


Yesterday afternoon everything was quiet and kind of boring, just like the usual Tuesday afternoon in the Big Brother house.  But out of nowhere, everything exploded and we need to blame this one on Jessica.  She started it, and she restarted it too, with Cody throwing gasoline on the fire.

Basically people have been needling Matt about the number of showers he takes---usually three per day by his own admission.  Paul has been saying that Matt is responsible for the California drought, and Josh jokingly repeated this in the kitchen.  Jessica rudely said that Josh can't even spell drought. Josh tried to spell it, and amazingly, he spelled it correctly.  Jessica called him a moron, and then Josh asked her if she could spell "eviction".  This got a laugh as Josh went out to the backyard.

OK, so that sounds simple enough, right?  Josh obviously won that battle, so Jessica planned to start a war, apparently.  Alex seemed ready for it, with her tutu and striped socks on for battle.  The kitchen felt tense, like a storm was coming.


Cody ate dry cereal in anger, shoving handful after handful in his mouth.


You could tell by the set of Jessica's jaw that she was stewing, letting Josh's eviction comment fester and stir up her emotions.


Mark came in wearing the Snapchat glasses (which I admittedly don't understand AT ALL) and strolled through the kitchen in search of content material.  He asked Jason what he was cooking up at the stove, and Josh walked over to see for himself.


Josh:  Are you making the scalloped potatoes?

Jason:  I don't know.  I'm just cooking up shit so I can swallow it so I won't be hungry anymore.

Josh walked away singing "Anyway You Want It" by Journey, apparently unnoticed by Production. Also, Kevin has been singing Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me" for days now under his breath, specifically the "didn't I didn't I didn't I" part, which Production is likely too young or too high to recognize.


I guess Josh walked near Jessica and she unleashed her anger, using a very sharp, hateful tone of voice.

Jessica:  Josh I'm warning you.  Today is not the day.  You putting on a  act and making noise...today is not the day for that.

Cody continued to eat his feelings, housing handful after  handful of whatever cereal was in that box.


You can just see The Real Jessica under there, waiting to erupt.


Josh:  I didn't even put you on the block.

Jessica:  Get away from me, Josh.  TODAY IS NOT THE DAY.

Cody:  You just want to get attention for the Snapchat glasses Josh.


Josh sounded amazingly calm as he pointed out that Jessica tried to make him look stupid by asking him to spell drought.

Josh:  I have a degree.  I have a business.


Jessica:  YOU'RE STILL A MORON!

Cody:  You're still the stupidest person we've ever met.  You waddle around here with your fat fucking body acting like you're tough.  But you know it's 'cause we can't do shit in here.

Josh:  Okay.


Cody:  You wanna try this shit on the outside?  GO AHEAD!  I fucking dare you to!

Josh:  You guys have made this personal.

(I need to point out that Cody told Jessica that he spray painted the logo on his hat so he could bring it into the house.  I meant to tell you that last week but I forgot.)


Cody:  IT IS PERSONAL.

Cody then shoved another handful of cereal into his mouth and continued spewing hate while he chewed.  I was waiting for him to choke and need the Heimlich maneuver, but unfortunately that did not occur.

Jessica:  Josh don't speak to me.  JUST GO AWAY.


Cody:  I will rip you apart on the outside!  Everyone will know you are the biggest piece of shit.

(Note:  I took that to mean that he will speak about Josh, not tear his head off physically.  But the other house guests later turned this into a physical threat and Christmas said this is enough for Josh to file a restraining order against Cody.  Not that that isn't a good idea....I'm just saying I didn't interpret what Cody said as an actual physical threat.)

Josh:  Everyone will know who the piece of shit is from watching this.


Josh:  I'm the HoH right now, and I'm loving life.

Jessica:  You got lucky on a stupid competition to roll a stupid ball down a hill!


Josh:  Okay.  I'm a moron.  And I'm a fat wobbly fuck.

Cody:  WADDLEY.  A fat waddley fuck.


Josh:  Jessica you are going to feel so stupid when you watch this.  You're playing Cody's game and he single-handedly ruined your game for you.  You are going to regret it.  He has no social game and you are going to be so sorry.

and

Josh:  You are twenty-something and Cody is 32 and I am so much younger and I am more mature than both of you.  I can go into a Starbucks and talk to anyone in there, but Cody shuts down within minutes of meeting someone.  He has no social skills at all.

You can see Christmas energetically shaking her protein drink, ready for battle.  And camera time, of course.  Everybody knows a fight is going to be played over and over again on the CBS episodes.


Josh:  Jessica you call me a loser, but YOU'RE DATING THE LOSER HERE.  He has no social skills at all. Wait 'til you watch this back, Boo Boo!

Jessica suddenly jumped up and started beating a wooden spoon on the counter like an angry monkey, shouting to imitate Josh's former method of aggravation.  Josh started clapping and the two of them looked like an episode of Locked Up, when the prisoners riot against the guards.


Cody actually had to GET BETWEEN THEM because Jessica was so out of control.  It was so serious that he left his cereal box on the counter.

Josh:  NO MORE AIRTIME FOR YOU!   YOU'RE GOING HOME!


Josh:  NO MORE PETTINESS!  YOU'RE DONE!

I must note that later, Christmas said that when Jessica started beating the spoon, Christmas was ready to jump in and kick her ass to protect Josh.  What a sight that would have been, right? Coulda, shoulda, woulda Christmas.


Cody tried to calm His Woman down by what looks like a restraining move, rather than a hug.  And the rest of the house guests snapped back into action, asking if Jason's food was ready.

Jason:  Yep.  It's nothing special. Just potatoes and eggs and _______.  And NO seasoning.

Paul:  You're shitting me.

Jason:  Nope.  NO seasoning at all.  Kevin, do you want any?  It doesn't have onions in it.

Kevin:  It has stuff that looks like onions in it, so no thank you.

Later they referred to this dish as Jason's "Cowboy Skillet".


And as usual, Cody and Jessica isolated themselves immediately, going out to the empty backyard to lick their wounds.

Cody:  I thought you handled that pretty well, actually.

(WHAT?  DENIAL IS NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT, CODY.)


And upstairs Josh is sobbing, upset by the fat comments that were made during that altercation.

Paul was ALL CRANKED UP, nearly shouting about what a piece of shit Cody is, and then starting in on Mark.

Paul:  Where was Mark during all of that?  Mark was bullied for being fat so where was he?  Why didn't Mark defend you?

(OK Paul, we get it.  You want Mark out.)


Raven had to get in on this scene, so she shoved her nearly-naked body right up agains him, saying "it's okay Baby Boy..." and other such cringe-worthy comments.

And Paul went on and on about how we don't need people who make the game personal on the Jury, mentioning that is what happened last summer, when he lost the game by one vote.

(Ha ha ha.  I forgot about that.  But I actually think Da'Vonne DID NOT vote personally when she cast her vote for Nicole.  But let's not let reality bring down Paul's story.)


Josh was crying about his family and how he doesn't want them to watch the show anymore.


Paul mentioned that his own sister was so upset by fat comments that she became anorexic and nearly died.  I've heard him mention this before but didn't realize she had anorexia.

I waited for Raven to say she had anorexia, too, or bulemia or coronary thrombosis or acute heart disease or late-onset Alzheimer's disease, but I didn't hear her try to one-up Paul's poor sister.


******

Later, on BBAD, Christmas told Paul that the reason why she wears skimpy clothes to work out is not what everyone thinks.

Christmas:  People say that I just want to show my body, but I really can't stand the feel of sweaty clothes on me.

Paul agrees.  He hates that, too. He claimed that he "packed perfectly" this time for the show, knowing what he would be able to bring, as well as what he couldn't bring.  I noticed then that Christmas and Paul seemed to be trying to one-up each other.

Christmas:  I packed perfectly, too, but my suitcase was only half full.  I had a full load in the dryer, though, that I didn't have time to wait for.


Paul:  I can't wait for you to see my Gucci boots.  They're so rad.  And I bought a snake chain right before I came in here....it's so rad.

Christmas started speaking in code about the many expensive watches she has, including one she just bought before coming here.  Paul guessed she bought a Chanel watch.

Christmas:  No, Chanel was for the 2nd book.  I'm not bringing any Chanel in here, though.

She then discussed her Cartier watch and how expensive it was.  Paul wants to buy a Rolex.

Christmas: Already got one. I have a guy who can get you one for a good price, with authentication papers and everything.


Out of options, Paul started bragging about buying a golden joint and gold teeth for the unbelievable low price of $600.  He heard about it from some tattoo artist who works on a famous rapper that Paul can't tell us the name of on the live feeds, but his purchase was super-rad, of course.

Paul:  I call it my Gangster Rap collection.

Apparently there is a "golden teardrop" involved as well, as if the golden joint and golden teeth weren't enough to top Christmas' acquisitions on all fronts.


In the hot tub Jason was talking about a bad experience he had trying to learn to scuba dive recently.  The instructor kept telling Jason to calm down (with hand motions) and this made things worse.

Jason: I am NEVER doing that EVER again, not even for this.

Alex:  But what if we have to...

Jason:  NOPE. I already asked.

Raven says she can't even try to scuba dive, because she'll die if she goes 10 feet below the surface.


Jason mentioned breaking his jaw, which may or may not have had something to do with the scuba diving, but says he thinks it's all healed up now, because it happened back in February.

Matt:  When is the last time you actually saw a doctor, Jason?

Alex: Probably never!  Because doctors are for pussies in California!

Jason: Hmmmm......I saw one out here.  For this. I didn't mind it so much, but there were so many needles. And so much of everything.


They discussed Matt's many daily showers, and how that topic started the whole fight earlier in the day between Jessica, Josh and Cody.

Alex:  Remember that girl who went missing in the Bahamas?  Natalee something?  And it had something to do with her taxi driver?

Elena:  That happened like 10 years ago, on a senior trip.

(Natalee Holloway disappeared in Aruba, not the Bahamas, but whatever.)

Paul says he'll bring a"gold joint" to the finale and it will be enough for all of them.  (Surely Paul can do better than that...ONE JOINT?)  Alex knows he is referring to some special rolling papers that are okay if you want to "feel fancy".

Christmas:  I like to feel fancy sometimes.

Alex: I prefer to smoke out of a bong.

(That's a gamer thing, I think.  Or a hippie from the 1970's.)


They discussed traveling with weed, and Paul says the TSA doesn't really care anymore, because "they don't have time to check everybody's prescription".

Christmas:  Yeah, they're just looking for guns and weapons.

Note:  Please DO NOT follow Paul's advice about this.  The views expressed here are the opinions of Paul Abrahamian and do not reflect the views of the writer.  Don't get arrested, kids.  Just wait because national legalization is just around the corner.  Or "cah-ner" if you live in Kevin's neighborhood.


Inside it is the same old thing with Jessica and Cody. They really don't do anything but stare silently and moodily at each other, kissing frequently.


If you see Cody smiling, you can be sure no one else is near them.  And that they are probably discussing something about being a Marine.  Cody frequently uses military slang and abbreviations for things.


Who knows what Jessica really thinks about anything.  She can't be happy about what has happened to her game this summer, but she can't be honest about it, either.

I can easily see her not even talking to Cody on finale night.  If the Jury really starts after this week, I can see her totally brushing Cody off  by then, because she will have access to all information while she is out of the house.  About the game, and about Cody.


Cody told her fairy tales about how big the bathroom would be in their house.  They would have private his and hers bathrooms, with a giant shower connecting the two, with the rainforest shower heads in all directions.

Jessica:  Oh, so you're going to spoil me then?

It would be nice if Cody could do that.  But based on what we know about his post-military career, that would be a huge stretch.  But I'm sure Jessica knows this.  I heard Kevin tell Christmas later that he thinks this relationship is "all for TV".   And he might be right.


Outside sirens started going off, and BB told them "please go into the house until further notice".  This announcement differs from the usual BB lockdown announcement, so who knows what it really means.  It might even be related to all of the HoH competition sounds they've been hearing for the past few days.


Josh has been saying all week that he just wants to be alone in his HoH room, without Matt and Raven and everybody else on him every minute.  I watched him use his headphones to signal this, pretending to sleep to get some privacy.


Downstairs Christmas wonders if everybody saw Raven march right up the stairs when they came inside like she was the HoH.

Paul:  The more I pay attention to her, the more I see things....

Christmas:  I'm like, can't you let me finish my fucking story without trying to interrupt me to talk about yourself, and make it all dramatic?  And don't yell at me to come to dinner when we're supposed to eat at 7:00 and it's only 5:30.


Alex told Christmas not to joke about wanting to leave, because Matt hears that and brings it up later.

Christmas: Oh my god!  I was just joking about how I wanted to drink in the Jury house!  I didn't say I wanted to go there now!


In the kitchen the love is still going on, playing now on the BBAD screen.

Jessica:  I had a dream that you were monitoring my coffee intake.

Cody:  Really?

Jessica:  Yeah....you took the coffee pot from me and then said I was only allowed to have one cup.

(RUN JESSICA RUN.)


Kevin returned from his DR session and was strutting around, pleased with himself as he tied on his scarf.

Jason:  We just got locked inside.  We don't know if we can go out again tonight.

Kevin:  YOU'RE SHITTING ME!  I can't believe it.  I may have to use the crossword puzzles now.

Christmas:  Look at you Kevin, your pants are falling down....your fly is open....

Kevin:  They're not feeding me enough in here...I can't keep 'em up!


Jason:  That's called easy access.

They told Kevin about the sirens and started whispering about the latest clue.  Production told them to stop discussing Production.

Kevin, joking:  I guess I'm not supposed to mention the cupcake and ice cream they gave me in there for my birthday.

BB:  STOP THAT.

Jason:  That's okay.  Every time I go in there they show me pictures of Gatlin and Holly, and I get to Skype with them, too.


Paul is discussing his favorite topic, about how he will host the house guests for a week in Los Angeles so they can attend his annual Halloween party.  (He said that last year, too, but I'm not sure it ever actually happened.)  He wants to take them to Halloween Horror Night at Six Flags, too.

Kevin asked him about this earlier, and Paul suggested finding a hotel in the Sherman Oaks area, or even West Hollywood, but that area starts to get expensive.

Christmas topped the party topic by saying she hopes she gets to fly on her "special airline".  After everyone guessed and begged to hear about it, we learn that it is American Airlines.

Christmas:  I flew US Air all the time, and then it merged with American so my points carried over.  I got to keep my status, so I get free first class upgrades every time, and I belong to the first class lounge, too.  I also have a Delta club membership, and airport club access through my American Express card.  I also have TSA pre-check, so I'm a pretty fun person to travel with.

(So, whose dick is bigger...Paul's or Christmas'?  I'll go with her's, actually.)


Cody and Jessica walked through the room on their way to the Rose Room, and no one said anything to them, and of course the two of them were silent, too.

Kevin is pissed about the egg shortage in the house.  He never eats the liquid eggs at home, but only has two eggs at a time.

Kevin:  These motherfuckers eat 12 eggs at a time in here!  It ain't right.

Christmas:  Well, you know that Mark hides the eggs.

Kevin:  Where, in his pants?


Christmas: No, he hides the carton in the back of the drawer of the fridge.

Kevin:  What?  I'll find 'em.  At 3:00 AM when no one is up, I'll take everything out of the fridge and leave notes behind, with a question mark or maybe a pool ball.

Christmas:  It's ironic that we have all of these pencils, but we can't write anything.

Kevin:  Oh, there's lead in there.  I guarantee it.  You can snap a pencil in two and sharpen the edge, and then go in the bathroom and write on a cereal box with it, and then fold it up and put it in your pants and flush the rest.

Josh:  What are you talking about?

Kevin:  It's.....never mind.

Christmas: Life, Josh.  We're talking about life.


Matt licked a spoon, an empty cereal bowl and an open peanut butter jar in front of him.



***ALSO***

We've certainly discussed Julie Chen's wardrobe struggles on the CBS show, but I haven't mentioned what Julie wears in the taped intros to BBAD.


The first offense here is the little straps that snap on, but I don't know where to even start on that....is Julie doing her shopping at Hot Topix or Justice?  What the hell?  Aren't these items that are sold separately to be used for any strapless top?  What in God's name is going on here?

I barely have time to discuss all of the jewelry---the dangley earrings, the busy necklace, all of the bracelets, the watch....it's just ALL TOO MUCH.  And I guess the studio hairdresser has just given up, not even trying anymore.

And you could argue that even though the POP-TV show is on the basic cable, Julie's intro ensemble is even more important than what she wears on the CBS show, because viewers see her wearing it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  Yes, if you don't know, BBAD is on EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  For three hours, but Julie is right there in this outfit at the beginning and end of each episode.