Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Wil Heuser Presents: Big Brother The Saga Ep. 5 #BB19

I don't know what to say about this one.  I'm still not sure what I just watched, but I feel I must watch it again slowly, frame-by-frame like the Zapruder film.

How can someone come up with all of these crazy ideas and execute them in just one week?

So creative.....enjoy.

Downstairs, Everyone's Waiting For You. #BB19

Monday was Kevin's birthday, and it was a day-long celebration for the entire house.  Or at least a majority of the house.  Christmas woke Kevin up with breakfast in bed, and plans for the evening have been developing for quite a few days now.

Spaghetti and meatballs is the planned meal, and I heard Kevin request an Angel Food cake weeks ago from Raven.  Kevin has been publicizing a 7:00 PM kickoff for the dinner, and has asked his daughters to be sure all family members have a computer in front of them so they can celebrate with him, including "Lori and Gene", his best friends that he goes out with at home.

Kevin:  I think I'm gonna gel my hair tonight for the special dinner.

Cody:  We'll be with you in spirit, Kevin.

Kevin:  You're not gonna come to my dinner Cody?  Not Jessica, either?

Cody mumbled a reply about how this may be their last night together in the backyard, but we all know that Cody won't attend due to his personal feelings about the house guests.  And I don't think he wants to eat any food that has been prepared by Raven.  Cody told Jessica later that he felt sympathy for Raven at the beginning of the season, but her conduct in the house has disgusted him and after what she yelled at Jessica, there is no coming back from that.

Note:  I did not hear Cody mention any hard feelings related to Raven reportedly spurning his advances the first week of the season.  Supposedly Jessica is Sloppy Seconds, if you believe Raven, which you probably don't, of course.

Kevin:  Well, come in and have some cake with us, then.

Cody:  We'll join you for a slice.

They discussed how they would sing Happy Birthday to Kevin, and how that song will probably be blocked from the feeds due to copyright issues.

Kevin:  Really? I'd think that guy would be dead by now, for a long time.

Jessica mentioned how at Applebee's they sing a different song for customers who are celebrating, to avoid issues over the copyrighted music.  She started singing the Applebee's song and Kevin knew it, too.  Cody started singing the Texas Roadhouse version of the song, too.

Kevin mentioned that "Downtown" was one of the wake-up songs, but it wasn't the famous old version sung by Petula Clark.  Instead it was some "opera singer" and Cody said he loves the song, but hated that version.  Kevin agreed it was a strange choice.

Jessica: Yes, it was a painful five minutes.

Note: The wakeup music is often related to events or people in the house.  Sometimes THEY don't see that, but WE do.  For example, I believe that "Downtown" is a jab at Matt and Raven.  In the "Smutty Moment of the Day" section of this post, I mentioned how there was blatant sexual activity going on in the Rose Room.  What I didn't mention is that the cameras were following Cody and Jessica around  (of course) and when they walked into the Rose Room the cameras followed them.  Matt and Raven were under the covers and Jessica announced that  it "sounded like they were muff diving" over there.

Jason came outside and said he brought Kevin a muffin.  Kevin protested that he "can't eat all of that" and wanted to split it with someone.  Cody went in on Jason, saying that Jason trailed half the muffin across the yard behind him, leaving crumbs like a lost child in a fairy tale.  It was actually funny.

Cody:  Why don't you bring out some maple syrup Jason, and pour a trail of that too?

Cody said he found an ant on his body when he was in bed, adding that Jessica is so sweet that the ants follow her in there.

I know Kevin gets frustrated that even though they only have a limited time outside in the "yahd", the house guests stay inside too long.  He went inside to the bedroom to hold court with his friends.  Someone was going to bring him some lemonade and he went on and on about that, calling it a cool refreshing drink.

He pointed out Jason's area to Paul, saying that he's been coaching up Jason on keeping his area neat and tidy.

Kevin:  See?  I told 'em that they need to keep their area nice, make up their bed, and keep a laundry bag and just add the dirty clothes to it every day.  And his bed is neat and tidy now, see?

Lots of beefcake in the room now, as Mark and Jason join the group.  Kevin heard Jason coming down the hallway and was razzing him about how he sounded like a "city slicker" now with the slang he was using.  Jason started rapping a little, and got quite a few lines in before Production told him to shut up.

Jason is shaking a can of nuts here----there has been controversy about the mix of nuts and other items in the can.  Apparently they feel shorted by Josh, who was supposed to put some M&M's in there among the nuts.  I guess Jason went in the storage room to add some M&M's to the mix.

And Mark's famously-tight pink shorts are still intact, if you are keeping score at home.

Kevin does attract a crowd, doesn't he?  He talked about his children.  One of the girls got a two-year athletic scholarship in high school to a very exclusive  prep school in New Hampshire.  (Tilton)  At first Paul was scandalized by the price ($48K per year), but once Kevin explained that his daughter was on scholarship, Paul seemed to calm down.  (I'll bet he'll use that later though against Kevin, if he has to...)

Kevin has another daughter who went to Stilton High, who was also a great athlete and captain of the field hockey team and she was in DECA, too.

I had to look that one up, but I'm impressed.

Kevin said that two of his daughters were field hockey captains of their teams, and that the game is all about speed---whoever can get to the ball first hits it hard.  His daughters had welts on their legs from getting hit with balls and sticks.

Kevin's son is also extremely intelligent, he says.

Paul, sounding skeptical:  How intelligent are you talking about, Kevin?

Kevin: Smarter than all of us in here.

Jason snickered.  Kevin said Andrew had a very high score on the "MCAT", which lets him skip classes, I think.  Andrew wants to pursue some sort of IT career and go to MIT or Wentworth.

Jason called Mark a "fucking ogre", but Mark didn't bat an eyelash.

That is how guys talk to each other, if you are visiting this website from a foreign country.  And quite a few of you are, which is exciting.  That is one reason why I don't like to abbrieviate names, even if they are long and irritating to type.  (Like "Dominique", because "Dom" can mean something very different, depending on your perspective.)

I haven't mentioned it yet, but since yesterday afternoon there have been sporadic loud interruptions over the intercom that seem destined for the next HoH competition.  Sounds like a baby crying and someone yelling to shut it up, sounds of chainsaws, jackhammers, and lawn mower crank-ups.  While they were all gathered here in the bedroom, a loud sound occurred.  Someone ran to the living room to see if there was a message on the screen (No.) and then they added it to the list they are memorizing for the comp.  Paul is creating a little song to keep track of the sounds and the order that they hear them.

(Please, please, PLEASE do not win HoH this week, Paul.)

In the picture below, Kevin is speaking the verses to "Downtown", and pointing at Jason to speak out the title word.  Kevin knew every word of the verses.  At least, I assume they were correct.    Kevin told the group in a low tone that they "found a crossword puzzle book under the fridge" and they have been doing the puzzles at night.  We got a quick FISH break, so maybe that's true.  (Is it?  He indicated that he does the puzzles with Jason and Alex.)

Kevin, about Paul:  This motherfucker.  He doesn't even care about the crossword puzzle on the table at Starbucks, but in here it's shit like that that gets you through the night.

At one point Alex was messing around and asked Jason if he "wants to die".  Jason busted out with the line "DO YOU WANNA DIE?" that I recognized immediately from the song "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies.  (The control room recognized it, too.)  What a GREAT old song.  It's a song that I didn't really appreciate on the radio, but if you hear it at the right time, maybe when you're in the back of a car driving to a party, maybe drinking a cold beer or getting a little high, it ROCKS. I think the song might be about a serial killer, but it's the overall feeling that you get from music that counts sometimes, not the petty details about the meaning and stuff.  I just had a little dance break, listening to it.  Jason's line comes in at about the 4:25 mark of the song, if you aren't digging the rest of the song or the video with the guy dragging the corpse down by the river.  Or whatever.

===>  I think Production should make Possum Kingdom one of the wakeup songs tomorrow.  It could apply to other people in the house, as well.  For example, Cody could easily kill Jessica and bury her behind a lake house.  Or downtown. It's a versatile concept.  Just saying.


I need to make a few announcements that pertain to Jason.

1.  Jason would like "Dan" to sign the damn release waiver so Jason can tell a whole new list of stories that apparently involve him.

2.  Before he left Iowa, Jason told Chris to trademark the name "Whistle-Nut" and hopes he has taken care of this.  (If not, Chris you better do this YESTERDAY, dude.)

3.  In honor of Jason, Production has a new directive that has been introduced to the lineup, joining the ranks of old standbys such as "STOP THAT!" and "SHUT IT DOWN!"


4.  Personally I find this hard to believe, but Kevin just asked yesterday if it is true that Jason fell on Christmas' leg.  (This happened on July 3rd and they're just now talking about it?)  Jason offered to reenact what happened with Alex, but Alex declined due to Jason's accident prone history.  Jason said that he tripped and showed Kevin how he fell, and described how Christmas' foot shot straight into the ground.  He did not fall on it, he says, and did not hear a cracking noise.  (Kevin asked if he heard a "crizzle" when she hit the ground.)

Jason was confused at first because Christmas was so matter-of-fact when saying she just broke her foot and did not cry out in pain.  I watched this footage, and saw Jason's confusion.  At the time I didn't understand what his problem was, but I think the use of the term "DR" must have been the problem.  He is saying now that Christmas told him to "go get the doctor" but what she actually said was for him to "go in the DR and get help". Jason said he wanted to pick her up and carry her in there, but she refused that sort of assistance.

Kevin:  So what did you tell 'em?

Jason:  I told them that Christmas was in need of medical attention.


CONFESSION:  I was watching live when Christmas fell, but the feeds were down for the morning music and only returned when she was laying on the ground (see link above for a full report).  The chat room people didn't believe she was hurt badly, either.  In fact, I thought she might be faking the injury and that made sense for game reasons at the time.  (I think she was on the block.)  She finally said "I'm really hurt here.....I need help" and I was still kind of skeptical.  She really is a bad ass....I don't know any other girls who could break 10 bones without shedding a tear.

Meanwhile Raven and Josh are making the spaghetti and meatballs.

That looks like a lot of meatballs, but she made a lot more than that....this is just the first batch cooking in the pan.

Josh didn't put enough water in the pan, and had to add more while it was bubbling.  I'm not sure why they are cooking the pasta before they start the sauce, but then again I've never made spaghetti and meatballs, so what do I know.

Matt cleaned the kitchen and threw away stuff in the fridge as they cooked.  He later told Raven that she looked great while she was cooking.

Meanwhile the star-crossed lovers are lounging on the hammock.  I think Jessica knows how much camera time they are getting, but does Cody?   Weeks ago I heard Jessica say that due to the showmance, she had a very different story line on the show than she expected to have, but surely Cody could say the same thing.

Jessica promises to take her laptop on any trips she goes on, so she can watch the live feeds.

Jessica:  I will think about you every second of every day....I want you to know that a day won't go by when I don't think about you 1,000 times.

Cody: All I have in here is your memories.....


Cody says he wants to win HoH so he can nominate Christmas and Raven and hear them bitch about it all week.  He is embarrassed that he said so many nice things about the other house guests in the early weeks of the game and dreads Jessica seeing that.  (WHAT?)  Jessica isn't sure how she will "handle" watching the early episodes of the show.

I do need to mention that Jessica said that she wishes Cody would leave the house with her on Thursday.  Cody said he would if she asked him to.  But Production would never allow that ---all they need to do is ask Cody how he plans to pay for a new alternator on his truck, and he'll change his mind real fast.  Supposedly he left the truck on the side of the road and it might be in impound right now.

Yesterday Alex told Paul that Christmas had been questioning him, and saying that he seems to be protecting Elena in the game and Paul was visibly shaken by this betrayal.  Last night Paul was chatting with Josh and Christmas and made sure he disparaged Elena several times.  Paul was saying that Elena needs constant reassurances, and that they can target her once Jessica and Cody are gone.

They could hear Raven screeching from downstairs that dinner was ready and everyone needed to go to the dining table.  And Raven was LOUD.  Christmas unloaded on Raven, saying how irritated she was with her.

Christmas:  People are getting on my nerves.....why is she screaming?  Are we leaving for the god damned fair?  Kevin didn't even want to eat until 7:00!

(It was just after 5:00 at this time.)

Josh opened the door and said Paul was in the bathroom and they wold be right down.  But Raven kept SHRIEKING and SCREAMING.  It really was unbelievable.  Josh finally went downstairs making excuses for Paul the entire time.

Then Alex burst in.

Alex:  It's dinner time.  Everyone is sitting down waiting to eat.  And if I have to hear her talk about it it again I'm going to choke out both of you!

Christmas laughed and started making her way downstairs while Paul pretended to be in the shower.

The group downstairs was quiet, already sitting with full metal bowls in front of them, trying to wait for Paul.  I think Kevin has specific birthday rituals at home, and he wanted to observe them here, but no one really seemed to realize this.  He wanted the group to sit down AT SEVEN so his family could watch on the East Coast and listen to what he had to say before beginning the meal.

So now they are sitting down AT FIVE and they can't get everyone together, and now everyone is pissed about having to wait to eat.  I mean, look at Jason in the picture below....I think he is the only reason why Paul ever came downstairs, because Jason went up there to ask him if he was coming.

Raven was RANTING and RAVING, cursing that she will "rip out their ball sacs if they don't get down here".  This is hardly the birthday tradition that Kevin had in mind, I assure you.  He was probably glad that his family might have missed this "Arkansassy" display of behavior.

Alex kept drinking her Coke and picked at her spaghetti with her fork.

Alex: I want to eat.

Someone mentioned all of the food that Raven made, and it was just sitting there.

Alex: Half of these motherfuckers aren't at the table, and the other half won't come because they are bitches.

Matt:  Cowboy can eat it all up.  He's a good eater.

Kevin kept glancing up at the HoH room, wondering what the hold up was.  To make things worse, the group discussed what might be taking Paul so long in the bathrom.

Elena:  Is Paul having complications up there?

Raven:  He better drop those kids off at the pool faster.

It was painful, watching this.  The moments ticked by slowly.

Finally The Great Paul graced everyone with his presence, and Kevin said he'd like to go around the table and have everybody say something about him, and then he would speak.

Raven;  Yeah, ya'll say one nice thing about Kevin.

Kevin:  No....they can just say one thing. It doesn't have to be nice.

Paul knew they were waiting on him to take his seat at the table, and Paul was not ready to cooperate.

Paul, in a snotty tone:  I'm literally going to take my sweet ass time getting over there.  So start talking without me.


Kevin:  Well, it's not the Dirty Dozen, but it's the Terrific Ten tonight.

Someone suggested "Triumphant Ten" but Christmas liked "Terrific Ten.  Kevin polled the group to see which name they liked, trying to have a civilized discussion.

Kevin:  Ma-ahk?

Mark, obviously starving and ready to eat:  Terrific.

With the name Terrific Ten decided, they started going around the table.  Matt began and said some nice things , and so did everyone else, with a few jokes mixed in.  Here are a few examples:

*  Jason:  On your birthday, I'll let you rub MY back in bed tonight.
*  Mark:  You tucking me in last night was fucking awesome and unexpected. Thank you.
*  Josh:  You are a father figure to me and I would go crazy in here without you.
*  Christmas:  Happy Birthday to my house husband and stay sexy and sweet.
*  Paul:  I hope to be half the man you are when I am your age.

They all toasted Kevin and it was a nice moment.  Kevin had promised to give everyone a nickname and he shared the names while they ate.

*  Matt - The Professor
* Raven - Dancing Machine (Kevin: You know, the Michael Jackson song?)
*  Alex - Terminator X  (Earlier, Alex guessed it would be "Satan's Pet")
*  Jason - My Love  (This was obviously a joke, but I didn't catch the actual nickname.)
*  Elena - Cover Girl (Kevin:  Aren't these great nicknames?)
*  Mark - Arnold Jr.  (Mark:  Thank you very much, Kevin.)
*  Josh - J.O.  (for Jack Off, he was kidding)  Miami Sound Machine
*  Paul - Zombie  (I'll bet Paul wanted a more regal name. Just a guess.)
*  Christmas - Wonder Woman (Kevin, again:  Aren't these great nicknames?)

Finally he addressed Jessica and Cody, with the best names of all.

Kevin:  And for them outside, I was going to call them the Old Kids on the Block, because they are always on the block, and they're Hanging Tough.  But they're not here, so they don't get that.

Everyone cracked up.  It was funny.

Raven mentioned that she saved a portion for Jessica and Cody, but she served it to Jason instead.

Kevin:  No food ever goes to waste in Humeston.

Jason:  Hell no.

I think the cameras wanted us to see the two empty spaces at the table.

They started eating and then remembered that Elena was supposed to say the prayer, so they stopped so she could do that.

Elena made several comments about how she couldn't eat with the group, which was sort of rude to them, but I guess it was hard for her, too.  Everywhere was the sound of slurping and chewing, and everyone was saying how good the food tasted.  I'm sure it was torture.

Elena can eat at midnight after the live show, or earlier that evening if she wins HoH.  And stays in the game, of course.

Just like any big meal gathering, the time to prepare the food is at least five times longer than the time spent at the table, eating.  They planned to eat the birthday cake around 7:00 pm.

Mark and Josh did the dishes.  They are buddies now, it seems.

Alex thinks Jason would like Westworld on HBO, and gave him a synopsis of season one, which takes place in a "Wild West" amusement park years in the future.  She didn't tell him about the "man in the black hat", which might have sparked his interest.

(I already told ya'll that Raven reminds me of Clementine the saloon hooker on that show.)

Then it was time for the birthday cake.  Raven made three different batches of icing to top the angel food cake with---one is cream cheese based, another is a vanilla whipped topping, and I'm not sure what the third topping was.  I thought she made a lemon curd earlier, but she didn't mention it here.

Paul hovered closely over the cake, adding some decorations as a finishing touch.

Maybe a few beard hairs, too, because he leaned right into it.  So gross.

They made a heart with a message to Kevin on it.

An Angel Food cake is typically made in a round, tall tin, and you hang it upside down when cooling so it will stay fluffy and light.  Raven obviously didn't have the right pan, but the puffiness of this cake is right on target.

And so is the cakey residue on the side of the pan.  You are not supposed to grease an Angel Food cake pan, to allow the mixture to climb up the side of the pan.

And that cake sludge is FANTASTIC.  That might be the best part, actually.  You can just scrape that part off and eat it in the kitchen afterwards.

There is a good vegan alternative for egg whites now, but I don't know if you can achieve a proper cake like this with it.  Because an angel food cake is mostly egg whites and sugar with a just little bit of flour.  I think you need to use cake flour though, because it is lighter than regular flour.

Yet more disappointment for Kevin as he watched the hungry vultures swarm over the cake as Raven sliced it and asked each person what they wanted her to put on top.   Kevin wanted to do this at the dining table, but in another show of Bad Attitude, Paul announced he wanted to go outside to eat.

Kevin:  OK.  Let's all take our cake outside to eat.  Get Jason an extra-large slice, please.

But then everyone started eating their cake standing up, hovering near the table and the whipped toppings.  I think Kevin finally realized here that his plan to sit in a civilized group and talk to the folks back home was just not going to work out.  He actually had his cake in front of him, uneaten, in order to save it until they went outside to eat.

But everyone else just tore into their dessert while standing up.  I'm sorry people are savages, Kevin. No one teaches table manners anymore.  It's unfortunate.

Kevin looked up at the camera and said hello.  I'm sure his family watching had plenty to say about how these house guests don't have the damn decency to sit and enjoy a celebratory meal like decent human beings.  I mean, Raven was talking about dropping the kids off at the pool while they were sitting with food in front of them!

I would love to have a seat at the table in Massachusetts when Kevin talks about this gathering, and the behaviors that occurred before, during and after. ("Af-ta")  He won't forget a thing about it, of course, which will make the story even funnier. And everyone will sit down on time for the meal, without being screeched at or trying to pull a power move, like being late and obnoxious.

And we caught a quick glance at Jessica as she came in the kitchen to give Kevin a birthday kiss.

And we saw Matt's underarm, too, of course, but that's an everyday sight in there.

 So Kevin joined in and ate his cake standing up, too, exclaiming about how tasty it was.

 I forgot to mention that they sang Happy Birthday to Kevin, but they cut the feeds for it.  Apparently Cody and Jessica came in the house for that part, because as the feeds came back we saw Cody slumping down on the bathroom couch, looking like he'd had a long hard day.

We did get to hear a little of what Kevin had prepared to say, I think, because he did some of his material standing up now.  For example,  referring to Jason and Alex as his cell mates, saying that they sleep all in a row in their bunks, "one two three".

Kevin: I can't tell you what their charges are ("chahges"), because that's personal.

Jason:  It's 187.

Kevin:  A & B....assault and battery.

You might realize I have NEVER taken a close up picture of Matt.  I'm only doing so here because he has some foreign substance on his mustache.  The camera crew knows this would bother Matt, so they closed in on it for me to capture.

(Kevin always says Matt is easy to talk to, because he never looks at you, only lookng in the mirror.)

Have another piece, Matt.

I need to mention that Christmas made some peaches, "southern style" that they ate on top of the cake.  I've been Southern all my life, but I don't know what she was referring to.  I'm guessing she sauteed some peach slices with brown sugar and butter, like the filling of a peach cobbler.  Kevin went on and on about how delicious the peaches were, urging everyone to try them.  Note that Raven did not include the peaches on the table with her whipped toppings, though.  And this morning Christmas had A LOT to say about that.

Christmas:  She was so pissed that everyone loved the peaches!  I said I was making them to eat with dessert but she kept saying we're going to have cake NOW!  We need to eat NOW!


Christmas:  I can cook like a damn boss, too!  She's not the only Southern bitch in this house!

(When I went on my road trip a few weeks ago, I stopped at a farm stand in rural Georgia and bought some peaches and tomatoes on the way home.  I just finished the last peach this morning and it was FANTASTIC.  There is a reason why Georgia is the peach state, ya'll.)

Elena got through it, and she wrapped up a piece of cake and put some topping on it before stowing it away in the fridge.

Elena:  Nobody better eat that....it's mine!

By the time Elena is allowed to eat it, she won't even remember what it is anymore.  I had hopes that Elena would get the boot on Thursday night, but it's just as likely that Raven will, actually.

Today's title comes from the lyrics of the song Downtown, of course.  It's in there, somewhere.