Sunday, June 25, 2017

Meet Kevin Schlehuber - Are You Talkin' To Me Jeff? #BB19

Let's all get ready to meet Kevin Schlehuber, who stares at his wedding ring, twirling it on his finger as he begins to introduce himself to us.

Kevin:  My name is Kevin, I come from Boston, and right now I live in Bridgewater.  I'm a stay-at-home dad with seven kids, and I've been married for 31 years.

Big Jeff's head snapped back on his neck when he heard the word "seven".

Jeff:  Wow!  Seven children.

Kevin:  Six daughters.

Jeff is shook.  Kevin shows Jeff his right hand, and pretends it is shaking due to "six daughters".

Jeff:  So are you gonna miss your daughters?

Kevin:  I am.  I've never been away from them.  It's my first Father's Day without 'em.

Jeff encourages Kevin to say hello to the kids.  Kevin waves at us and says "Hi Girls!  Hi Andrew!"

Kevin clarifies that all of the daughters don't actually live at home with him anymore.

Kevin:  My Ericha---she lives in Salt Lake City.  She's gonna be 30.  She lives there with her boyfriend Robbie....

Big Jeff can see we're headed down a long road filled with folksy information about a bunch of grown children, so he tries to give Kevin a clear signal to nip it in the bud.

Jeff, waving at us: Well let's just say Hi to all of 'em.

Kevin, not receiving any signal:  You want me to say Hi to all of 'em?  You got another half hour?

Jeff:  No, I wanna hear about you!

But Kevin isn't ready to give up yet.

Kevin:  I wanna say Hi to all of 'em.  There's Ericha, Robbie (isn't that Ericha's boyfriend?), Amanda, Ilanna, Andria.....Andria lives out here, you know.  She's a makeup artist and lives with her boyfriend Chris.

Jeff, going with the flow:  All right.

Kevin:  Alma and Peggy --they're watching this, I'm telling you.

Jeff:  They're pulling for you!

Kevin:  I think they love you more than me.  Let's see...Olivia...she just graduated high school.  She went to the prom, and she's working this summer with her friend Devlin, and Andrew, he's my youngest...he's the love of my life. He's gonna be a senior next year.

Jeff, trying again to wrap it up:  They're all proud of you!

Kevin:  Well, they wanted this, they got it.

Jeff:  Well, that's seven fans that you have all ready, plus America!

Kevin assures Jeff that they may not all be his fans, though.  But I'm confused, so let's do a head count.

1. Ericha
2.  Ilanna
3.  Alyssa
4.  Andria
5.  Alma
6.  Peggy
7.  Olivia
8.  Andrew

I'm not very good at math (a little CPA humor), but I'm coming up with eight, not seven.  But because Kevin named Robbie and Chris (the girls' boyfriends) in his list with the daughters, I think Peggy might be Alma's S.O., which would bring us back to seven.


I've just heard from Alma, with a few corrections.  Peggy is the cousin, not the S.O., and they have a podcast!  I also needed to correct some name spelling, and I think Amanda is really supposed to be Ilanna, so I fixed it.  And Alma seems like a good sport, so thanks for that Alma.

And to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about families that keep having babies until they come up with a son.  I have a client who has five daughters now, and he told me they are "giving up".

Jeff wonders what qualities will make America love Kevin.

Kevin:  Well, I guess I'm pretty easy-going.  And I've been through a lot in life, and I've raised seven children.  So I guess you've gotta follow someone who raised seven children!  And all of the kids still talk to me!  So, that's something.....we'll see.

Kevin also says has a lot of stories that people might like, for just about any subject that comes up.

Kevin:  Like if you brought up a sneaker, I got a sneaker story!

Jeff:  So you think you're gonna use that to your advantage for your social game in dere?

Kevin:  I don't know.  What do you think?

Jeff:  I think you can.

Kevin:  I'll check back and let you know.

Jeff:  Are you gonna answer questions in there?  (That was a stone that Jeff just tossed at Kevin.)

Kevin, laughing:  Yeah, probably. I've been doing that all my life.

Jeff wonders how far Kevin will go to win this game.  Kevin didn't really know what to tell him, saying he'll see how it goes, he thinks he might be able to do it, and he'll let Jeff know.

(All phrases one says when they don't know what to say, but they are hoping that their response addressed the question somehow.)

Jeff:  But are you willing to stab someone in the back in order to win?

Kevin ponders this.

Kevin:  Well, uh, I guess if I have to, because that's the game, but I really don't like that saying, because people can take it figuratively, you know what I mean?

Jeff:  This is Big Brother...we're not taking anything figuratively.

Kevin laughs and says sure, he'll stab someone, but only on Big Brother, because he doesn't want anybody to get the wrong idea.

Jeff wonders if Kevin has any other talents we might not know about, and comments on Kevin being a sharp dresser.

Kevin:  When I was a kid growing up in Mission Hills---it's a tough neighborhood in Boston (Kevin waves to the Mission Hills homies), but I won a Slam Dunk contest.

Jeff:  You won a Slam Dunk Contest?  That's a talent!  How tall are you?

Kevin:  Well that depends.  If you're a girl and you're asking how tall I am, it's 6'4".  But if you're a guy and you're asking how high I can dunk, it's 6'1".

Jeff says they can say 6'2" and just split the difference.  Kevin wonders how tall Jeff is and is surprised to hear 5'11".  You look taller, Kevin says.

Kevin: Maybe it's the Nikes.

Jeff:  Depends on who's asking!

Kevin says to join the club and they enjoyed a hearty laugh.

Jeff is gearing up to ask The Hashtag question by first asking if Kevin knows about social media, and if he knows what a hashtag is.

Kevin:  Yeah, I know all about Slashtags.

Jeff:  No, it's hashtag.

Kevin: I know.  But I call it Slashtag.

Jeff tries to do his job by gamely asking Kevin for a damn hashtag after explaining why, but Kevin just isn't willing to cooperate right now.

Kevin:  You know I named your state, don't you?  I was gonna call California the Sunshine State, but instead I called it the Sun Shines State.

Jeff:  Kevin, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Kevin:  Jeff, I'm talking about California.  And I call it the Sun Shines State.

After that Jeff gives up on his question, and asks Kevin if he can be calm inside the BB house, because there are going to be a lot of kids running around in there.  Kevin says of course, because his house is like that, too.  Kevin will be calm, he says.

Jeff then launches into his Big Question, but he asks it more slowly, breaking it down and explaining the concept carefully for Kevin.

Kevin:  Well, that's a good question.  The money's important, but it ain't that important.  I guess I'd rather have people like me.

Jeff:  Well, I like ya. You've got a Christopher Walken vibe going on.

Kevin:  I can't believe you said that.  Did you read that on there (Jeff's note card)?  Did somebody tell you that?  That's what they used to call me!

Kevin says that after the movie The Deer Hunter everyone used to call him that.

Kevin:  You know when he used to wear that headband thing on there?

Big Jeff didn't know, but he nodded anyway and asked Kevin to end the interview with a Christopher Walken impression.

Jeff:  Can you do that?

Kevin:  No.

Jeff is shook.

Kevin:  I can't do a Christopher Walken impression.

Jeff:  Well, we gotta go now.

Kevin:  I see.  Well it's very nice to meet you.


Okay.  What in the H-E-Double-Toothpick was that!  What just happened in there?  How the hell is this allowed to happen?

Let me make myself clear.

I'm not that bothered by Kevin's age.  I am old enough to know that I will be 55, too, someday, and actually have a number of friends in their 50's already.  And BBCAN just had a house guest in her 40's (I think?) and she did a great job being entertaining and actually got dragged to the end as a goat.  Rob Lowe, John Stamos, and Brad Pitt are all in their 50's.  Evel Dick is about Kevin's age, too.  So age alone is not the issue for me as far as Big Brother goes.

It's that Kevin seems more like a 70 year old to me, with the confusion and the inability to converse convincingly with Big Jeff.  And he seems like he's from Central Casting for a mob movie with the accent, the clothes, and the unwillingness to talk about back stabbing.  And how is he a stay-at-home dad if his youngest kid is a senior in high school?  Does his wife support the family?  Is Kevin just not willing to speak about his employment history?

And then I googled Kevin Schlehuber.  And I found his father was convicted in 2006 for running one of the largest cocaine distribution rings in the Boston area during the 1990's.  Interestingly enough, Kevin himself ("Our" Kevin) is one of seven children, too, and is quoted in this article I found from the Boston Globe.

I'm tempted to draw some conclusions about Our Kevin with this information, but I am smart enough not to do that.  I lived in New York...I worked with a lot of different people.  I know a few things about a few things. And if you know those same things, too, then you know we can just leave it at that.

After living in New York and learning some things, I developed an interest in the topic that was no doubt influenced by watching The Sopranos", which was the top show on HBO at the time.  And I read books about it, like Donny Brasco, Murder Machine, and Blow, all books that feature real-life drug trafficking stories in the New England - New York corridor.  I just read a biography of Whitey Bulger, too, who was a fugitive from the Boston crime scene and was captured a few years ago living in and hiding out in Santa Monica California.

(One of the guys I worked with in New York dragged me outside to speak with me privately one time, and advised me to never say "thank you" to a certain person that I had just interacted with, because saying that means that I will "owe that guy a favor, and you don't want that".  I wish I could tell a few stories about it all, but I don't think it is a good idea.)

So I know a little about a lot of these things.  Kevin may be a dad who stays at home, but I really don't think he has always been a stay-at-home dad, if you know what I mean.

He's a handsome devil, that's for sure.

With a good head of hair as well.

Let's take a look at Kevin's CBS Bio, but let's keep our expectations low.

Because  Low Expectations ==> High Returns, of course.

I wonder where he met Derrick Levasseur?  I just wrote a joke about that, but I'm not going to post it.  No need to play with fire at this point.  It was probably about exactly what you think it was about.

Kevin's Fun Facts might be the best yet, of all the house guests, because he's had more time to do amazing things, I guess.  I think Kevin may need to make a visit to Atlanta, because I'll bet he can get cast for some movie and TV roles without even trying. (Did you know that more movies were filmed in Georgia last year then in any other US state?)

Kevin certainly has "It", but I don't necessarily think "It" is a good fit for Big Brother.

Prove me wrong, Kevin.  And for god's sake, stay off the internet once you leave the house and stay away from those Slashtags.


  1. So he's the King of New York, Christopher Walken.

  2. George Hamilton but not as cool


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