Friday, July 15, 2016

Live Show Aftermath: If You Can't Stand the Shade, Get Out of the Cabbage Patch. #BB18

Cabbage Patch Bridgette:  Golly jeepers.  What the fuck just happened?

Well, Fridge got a big surprise last night, but I am still disappointed that it wasn't a total blindside when Bronte was evicted.  Bronte found out that she would be voted out about 20 minutes before air time last night, so of course she probably gave signals to Natalie (and maybe Bridgette?)

I'm sure the lucky ticket holders in the studio audience were on the edge of their seats.  I know that my heart was beating like I just ran three miles when they read the live vote, and also during the HoH competition.  The evenings events were so big, I didn't even see much chatter about Frankie Grande being front row center for all of the action.

So much has happened that I don't even know where to start.  There is no way I can tell you about everything that has happened, but I can try to give you a flavor for the chaos that exists in that house right now.  I'm just going to get started here, and see what happens.


Da'Vonne was calm and reflective.  Everyone spent a lot of time behind closed doors plotting about who would place votes for whom.  They didn't want a unanimous vote, because they wanted to be able to keep Frank guessing about who voted to keep Tiffany.

But in order for a scheme like that to work, they all need to trust each other, and not run squealing when they get nervous about getting found out.  And they also need to Know Their Roles and Shut Their Holes to quote our old friend McCrae Olson.

Oh yeah..the most important part...they needed Team Category 4 to lose the HoH competition so that both Frank and Bridgette would be nominated for eviction.  And Paulie and Michelle (the other members of Category 4) were talking big smack about how they'd be happy to lose first in the competition so that Fridge would be living the Bumper Car Life this week.

Cabbage Patch Frank:  And your boy's Have Not streak goes another week, son.

(I just wasted 20 minutes looking for that stupid retweet....I really need to re-examine my priorities in life.)

Before the show, Tiffany thought she knew what was going on.  She memorized that little speech about Frank's gas and practiced it over and over and over.  She did bobble it towards the end, when she was talking about the cow manure, but she ended up getting back on track and finishing strong.

Cabbage Patch Cow:  Who farted?  It stinks in here.

This may actually be the last time we see a happy version of Tiffany on the live feeds.  Because any joy that Tiffany may have felt evaporated the minute Team Category 4 won the HoH competition.


There was so much action on all four camera views, I had to keep switching back and forth and backing up.  And even then I still couldn't cover every second of the action.

In this tense scene, I thought at first that I was watching a meeting of the Category 4 team, but what was Corey doing there?

Frank wanted to know who was responsible for the votes...who did it?

Paulie is trying to make eye contact with Nicole here, but she looks away.  Nicole is not a good liar, and she knows it.

Paulie, however, can lie all day without breaking a sweat.  That's a good BB skill to have.

Tiffany was calm at this point, but is already showing the people who supported her with their vote that they probably did the wrong thing.

Tiffany:  I only attacked you because I heard you were going after me!

Frank:  I wasn't going after you!  Day said you were GOING AFTER ME!  And I'm not a liar in this game...I'm not one who lies in here...

And here she comes...

Day:  I never said she was coming after you!

Frank:  YES YOU DID!

Day:  You're just mad because YOU'RE GOING HOME!


(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...#TeamFrank, bitches.)

(Sorry.  I'm trying to be sensitive to people with opposing views.)

Day:  Oh, there will be other weeks. You're just salty because you got bested.

Frank:  I know!  I said that to you ALREADY...that it was a good week for you!

Frank:  You started drama on your season and you're starting it now!



Frank:  Look, let's not blow this house up.

(The wall coverings in that room totally overshadow anyone standing against them.  Tone it down next year Allison, please.)

Oh, and now Paulie arrives on the scene.

Cabbage Patch Paulie:  This is my HoH, bitches!  I'm all packed up and ready for my Power Trip!

Paulie:  Let's just let cooler heads prevail around here. And then if someone wants to talk later, we can do that.  I mean, anybody who wants to talk can talk.  But let's not blow it out.

Cabbage Patch Zakiyah:  I'm ready to see your HoH room Boo!

Zakiyah giving face for days in there.

Paulie:  Emotions are running high in here right now...

Day, making her exit:  I'm sorry.  I'm just drinking orange juice...I'm not worried about no damn Frank.

(Unfortunately I think Day lost the game tonight.  And I think she knows it, too, because she LOST IT in several different ways.)

Cabbage Patch Da'Vonne:  I just want my damn sippy cup.  Point blank and the period.

Paulie:  You just need to relax bro.

Frank:  It's true, though. I can't let somebody say I'm lying when I'm not.  It doesn't matter where we're at...

The angry mob disperses, probably a little disappointed that the shouting ended almost as soon as it began.

(Because Paulie cockblocked it....probably worried that Da'Vonne would blow up his spot.)

(But there is still PLENTY of time for Da'Vonne to blow up everybody's spots.)

Frank assures Tiffany and someone else, I guess, that he wasn't going to put "ya'll two" up if he won HoH this week.

(What the fuck is this circular light Allison?  That is ruining Tiffany's shot here.)

Paulie, already well down the road of his Power Trip:  For the first few hours after I get my room, I'd like to be alone, please.

Tiffany is thinking, and calculating.  She will soon figure it out that the entire house kept her in the game as an EFF YOU to Frank.  And she had several massive breakdowns, with not only crying, but WAILING.  She even mentioned self-evicting several times, and said that whatever money she might earn here is not worth the trouble.


In fact, Tiffany was so upset, she grabbed Natalie and asked to speak with her, saying she was alone and needed to talk to someone, anyone...even Natalie would do.

Cabbage Patch Natalie:  Tiffany, I need to talk to you, too.  Does this frock make me look chunky?

Bridgette gives good face, too.  She's probably just as upset as Tiffany is, but she is listening, and thinking, and noticing details.  I know everyone loves to make fun of Bridgette, but she is no dummy.

She did get angry later, though, when Natalie asked her if she was the one who cast the deciding vote against Bronte.

Frank:  So you think I have bad breath?

Tiffany:  No...that's not what it was was a joke....

Frank:  I know.  I'm just kidding.  I'm not really mad.  I'm just messing with you. My bad.  Bad joke.

Tiffany:  I did talk about your gas, though.

Frank:  That's fine.  I'm gassy.  Ain't nobody denying it.

Paulie:  No.  Ain't nobody denying it.

Frank:  My grandmama is gonna spank me for that...the gas.

It's Paul's turn now.  Needless to say, Cabbage Patch Kids were invented in a simpler, more innocent time, where bearded hipsters like Paul were kept where they belonged, where ever that may have been..

(i.e. There is no point in me looking for a Cabbage Patch Paul. I'll leave that task to Wil Heuser.)

Paul, always with the good sense of comic timing: So...your boy's confused.  Your boy needs to get laid...and that's clearly out of the equation at this point.  So your boy's confused.

(Paul has been grooming Bronte for weeks.)

Tiffany:  I'm confused, too.   I don't understand why I'm anybody's target.

Paulie:  Let's just let the dust settle.

Tiffany:  My emotions are completely in check.  I'm just talking.

Paulie, already miles down the Power Trip road:  You know what I think is HoH win!  But fuck me, right?

Tiffany: You're a competition beast!

Paulie:  Please don't say that...keep it down....I don't need that going around in here.

(Then don't win HoH, Dumbass.)

Everyone left the room so Bridgette went in for a hug.

Frank knows he Got Got.  And he's a damn good sport about it.  But he's ready to play now, I'll bet.

Bridgette: I'm sad.

Frank: Don't be.  I'm not.

Bridgette:  I think Nicole and Corey flipped.

Frank, being careful with his hand placement:  I think they did, too.

Bridgette:  They're flippers.

Frank:  I already told them that.

(We'll see it on Sunday, but Frank pointed at Nicole and yelled "it's HER" and Nicole's frantic reaction to that is what we saw in the final minutes of the live show..)

Cabbage Patch Nicole:  This is so frickin' embarrassing...I didn't flip!  Is that what Corey said though?

Cabbage Patch Corey:   ...............................

(Ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Paulie snuck back in the room and told Frank that they can't figure it all out tonight, because everyone is going to be smack talking.

Paulie:  I didn't expect everyone to blow up like that...I didn't know if that was our plan or get Day upset.

Frank snickers:  I knew she was gonna get in on that.

(Paulie is going to DENY, DENY, DENY.)

Paulie: You know I voted her know I wanted that.

Frank:  But you said you wanted to keep her around a few weeks.

Bridgette was carefully watching Paulie as he spoke, her fist near her chin.

Frank just "can't see Corey doing that", and Paulie says he can't believe that either.  Paulie said maybe the girls all got together to make that happen.

Paulie:  So...a dictator and a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Frank:  How am I a dictator?  I didn't even campaign to get her out!  I feel like I haven't...I don't even ask people who they are voting out!  People were coming up to me to talk about it.

Paulie:  Cabbage....does that upset you?

Frank:  No, she kinda likes it.

Bridgette, nodding:  It's cute!

Paulie:  Cabbage Patch Kids were cute...they had very clear, porcelain faces.

Frank: Yeah.

Bridgette gives Paulie a wink and a quick thumbs up.

Frank:  My dad said I was found under a Cabbage Patch.

Da'Vonne quickly slipped back in the room and shook Frank's hand, saying "we don't have to be awkward", and he agreed.  It was a big step for Da'Vonne to do that, I'm sure, even if it wasn't totally sincere.

(Note that Frank is not asking anyone to console him...and he was the Big Target for the blindside less than an hour ago.  I think they woke the beast up with tonight's events......)

Frank later told Paul that tonight's vote couldn't have been a "girl's thing", because if it was, Paul would have been the one evicted.  Frank is suspicious of Paulie, and thinks he might be "laying it on too thick", but they "have all week to worry about that".

Paul can't wait to go outside and "smoke a square" with Frank.

Frank:  Oh...we'll have time for that....

Meanwhile I don't think Zakiyah has spoken one word since the live show.

Smart.  I wonder how long it will take for her to abandon her support for Da'Vonne?

Natalie crunched up what look liked chips with tuna salad.

Michelle was initially blamed by Frank for her vote, but she stayed away from him during the hottest part of the post-show hoopla.

She's smart, too.  I hope the edit on Sunday night shows how big her role was in flipping the vote to evict Bronte.

And Michelle was giving us some real 1977 American Hustle realness tonight, with that hair and her high stompy platform shoes and long bare legs.  Did you see the intense sunburn on her back when she was leaving the Diary Room after voting?  Frank told her to put on sunscreen, but once again Big Meech failed to obey him.  I'll bet she would do it if Dan Gheesling told her to do it...she'd probably chug the entire bottle of Hawaiian Tropic, just to please him.

(Dan Gheesling was not happy about Frank being safe this week....WAAAAHHHH Dan.)

I love pictures like this, where I accidentally end up snapping the house guests right next to their picture on the Memory Wall.

I need to catch up on all of the Michelle action, but she spent some time in the Have Not room with Nicole and Da'Vonne.  Da'Vonne is still unhappy, but now Tiffany is her target.  She was VERY UPSET that Tiffany approached Frank right after the live show ended to tell him that she only targeted him because she heard he was going after her.

Da'Vonne:  We should have voted her ass out!

Nicole did her best to act whiney and unhappy about the evenings events.  Her hair, however, is more like an American Girl doll than a Cabbage Patch Kid.

They all groused about what a travesty it is that Frank is safe this week.  Of course.

Later, Da'Vonne would accuse Tiffany of working with Frank now, leading to what I'm sure will be some fantastically ugly scenes..

Da'Vonne, whisper-shouting and pointing, which is never good:  I don't even know where she is right now!

(She's probably in the DR, talking to the shrink.)

Michelle is probably ready for some Disco Fries at this point.

I think Nicole's dress might be a nod to her friend Andy Herren, and his kitty cat T-shirt.

Later, Tiffany was on the edge of tears, as everything that happened tonight came crashing down on her.

Tiffany:  Why does everyone always leave the room when I come in?  What did I ever do to make these people hate me?

Meanwhile, the Think Tank at the NSA is holding an emergency strategy meeting.

Cabbage Patch NSA Leadership Team:  How are we going to combat terrorism now?  Who  is going to calculate all of the prime numbers we need to fight ISIS?

Cabbage Patch Bronte:  Fuck.  There goes Grad School.


  1. No comment on Julie Chen saying "baggages" instead of "bagpipes" during the first question of the HOH comp?

  2. Obviously not, since I have no idea what you are talking about.

  3. This is one of your best posts...not only was your recap spot-on, but having a cabbage patch kid for each HG (except Paul, understandably) was brilliant and made me laugh hard! Great job and thanks!

  4. By far the best and funniest update I've read! I already knew what happened but I always read yours because it's the most entertaining...always!

  5. I always feel like it starts to get good after week 4. When the all start turning on each other is the whole reason I watch this show. I honestly don't even know who I'm rooting for at this point!

  6. Nearly busted out laughing (still at work and didn't want to let on what I was doing to my coworkers since I'm withing laughing earshot) when I got to the Natalie Cabbage Patch doll. Spot-on! And while you couldn't find an appropriate-looking Paul CP lookalike, it bothered me for weeks why he looked so familiar (maybe I've seen him in passing since he lives relatively close to me). But then it hit me—he's a ringer for Zangrief. Zan-who now?! The Russian wrestler from Street Fighter (a compact version that is, since he's supposed to be very tall)! Looking forward to you drawing that comparison in a future post.

  7. I remember having records, yes records with a record player, as a kid of cabbage patch kids singing. There was the evil Lavender McDade, or something like that. I'm not too sure Frank fits that role anymore. For some reason I'm really annoyed with Paulie. He's just not rubbing off the right way on me. somehow I think winning this HoH will be his demise for the future. Either Da'Vonne or Corey will be goners by the end of this week. If Day freaks out, Paulie won't want her around anymore. Wow, it will be a very intense week. We all love good TV, supposedly.

  8. Cabbage Patch NSA! OMG, you crack me up. You oughta write comedy for a living.

    For the life of me, I don't understand Day.Her strategy confuses me.

    Shoot, I am don't get Zee, either. She comes off as complacent and hard to read.

    I was sorry to see Bronte go. It would've been nice for a girl and an aspiring doctorate candidate win BB. She seems to be a very sincere young woman. I wish her the best.

    I'm watching BBAD right now, and Paul made his French fries again. I want some. I have had a life long love affair with the spuds. Mmmm, good.

    I was thinking about your former pen pal. Do you think it might help if you wrote "Return to sender" & put them back in the mail?
    Return to sender
    Address unknown
    No such number
    No such zone

    I'm old enough to remember address zones. Mine was 20.

    I briefly worked in a prison (pharmacy). I hated it. I hated the people I worked with, all professional, educated people. They thought it was hilarious when an inmate came into medical beatened and raped. These people sickened me. Rape, no matter who it is, is not funny. These we're well educated, piously religious people. Shame on them.

    Sorry to rattle on. I do love this blog. ;)

    1. Thanks. That is FASCINATING info about the prison pharmacy......

  9. Love the recaps - and the feeds were on fire in so many different directions! One tiny note - I think you meant "Natalie" when you say "Bridgette" in the paragraphs under Natalie's cabbage patch kid. Natalie was the one consoling Tiffany (in a remarkably human way - for Big Brother) and Natalie was the one who got angry at Bridgette after Bridgette asked if she was the deciding vote. Totally just swapping names but makes more sense since Bridgette pretty much hid in bed for most of these explosions last night (or was at least off the feeds).

    1. Thanks.

      But I meant the names that I wrote.

    2. Gotcha. I must of been confused about the times.

  10. OMIGOSH, you are too funny. I turn to your blog first every day now. How will the NSA survive without Bronte Prime Numbers is a hoot. I'm old enough to remember our entire family searching every store in L.A. for a CP doll for my niece. We got one from a guy but we paid two hundred bucks for it (black market). Seeing your huge collection here warms my heart.

    1. I thought that NSA part may be a little too crazy....I got a little punchy towards the end there....

      Glad you enjoyed it.


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