Sunday, August 2, 2015

The Armor Might be Shiny, But The Kingdom is Not Safe From Banners, Apparently. #BB17

There was a lot of excitement in the house last night when Jackie came out in her suit of armor, that she needs to wear all week.  But the whole situation is amped up due to Vanessa's "Squire" punishment, which starts at the same time but only runs for 24 hours.

Vanessa is basically Jackie's slave and has to shine Jackie's armor continuously for 24 hours.  If Jackie goes to sleep Vanessa can rest until awoken by a nasty, shrill voice saying the following:


Imagine one of those Disney villains yelling at you, and then you will know what it sounds like.

They sat around the living room and entertained everyone with the buffing of Jackie's armor, and also a story Vanessa made up about how Jacqueline the Great became such a great knight, complete with a Scottish accent.

Vanessa must trail behind Jackie when she walks, buffing and polishing.  I predict this will get VERY old, but in the early hours of the punishment everyone is excited about it.  The Twins get in on the act by putting on a crown and a headress from the competition uniforms and holding Jackie's cape as she walks towards the kitchen.

Julia is using a long candy stick as a sword and pokes Meg with it, saying she's way too close to Jacqueline the Great.  It was funny.

Vanessa eats a bowl of cereal and polishes, a dutiful Squire.

In the wee hours of Sunday morning, out in the backyard Shelli decided to nap for a few minutes.  She is well into her punishment that she "won" in the PoV competition, but is exhausted from staying up all night.

Shelli is not allowed to even go in the house until she reaches her goal of 2,400 Knight moves (or whatever) other than going in the living room and ringing a cow bell.  She has to use the Port-a-Potty in the backyard, and depend on others to bring her things she needs, or food.

BB put a little tent over the round lounge chair to give her some protection from the sun.  But is Clay allowed to sleep out there in the backyard?  I don't think so, technically, but I'm sure it makes for a better story.

Last night the audience of the PoV competition enjoyed wine and turkey legs.  Jackie decided she wanted to gnaw on a turkey leg now, even though the platter had been sitting around uncovered in the kitchen.

Vanessa:  Are you sure? Because if you need to go to the bathroom a lot....

They sat outside and supported Shelli's efforts in her quest to protect the Kingdom.

I think Becky could have used a punishment, too, to get a little camera time.  But she probably has no idea that she hasn't appeared very much in the CBS episodes, although she has commented on never getting asked to go in the DR.

She's dipping bananas in melted chocolate, with plans to freeze them for a snack.

Jackie says getting in and out of the costume in order to pee is a major ordeal.  She asked Vanessa to help her zip up, and when Vanessa was standing behind her Clay walked in and thought for a moment that Jackie might be undressed.  But she wasn't.

Jackie had to retrieve her armor from the WC so Clay could go in there.

Vanessa feels like they found a loophole by polishing Jackie's shield, instead of having to have hands on Jackie all of the time.  But I assure you that Production is no longer accepting that as Acceptable Squire Behavior.

This morning Shelli started her little Knight routine again and is determined to finish.  She is taking breaks every 100-200 rotations, and says her feet are really hurting her now.  The gloves she is wearing aren't part of her official costume, but she says they have been a real lifesaver and she would have blisters if it weren't for those gloves.

Clay walked alongside Shelli to keep her company, crunching loudly from a box of Froot Loops as he walked.   Shelli nagged him about his diet, asking him 1,000 questions about what he's eaten and what he plans to eat today.

It was really hot in the backyard today.  Every house guest who went in the backyard came back in talking about how miserable Shelli must be out there.

She took a break with Clay, who seems to think that everyone will honor his request to vote him out instead of Shelli. Shelli protests a little, but Clay says he really thinks she has a better chance to win than he does.

Shelli started making comments about how people will be "lined up for Clay out there".  Clay apparently thought she said they would be waiting with bated breath because they had a weird conversation about that expression.

Shelli said he will change the way he feels after not seeing her for two months, but he denies that.

Clay:  What is meant to happen outside of this house is meant to be.  And I haven't gotten sick of you yet, after being around you so much.  And that's a good sign, because if I was I'd be avoiding you right now.

And here is proof that the Squire is already shirking her duties. She is pretending to buff Jackie's armor, but you can see she is actually several inches away from Jackie's body.  Jackie is not exactly Miss Congeniality in the mornings, and I'm sure Vanessa is trying to avoid making her mad, even though this punishment is not Vanessa's fault.

That red lipstick doesn't put itself on, in case you were wondering.

And then, out of nowhere, something interesting happened about 5:24 pm BBT.  Liz was laying out next to Austin, and she looked up at the sky and was startled, and started reading something. I think she actually jumped up to get a better look.

Liz:  Oh, look at that!

Austin:  Don't draw too much attention to it.

Liz:  It says, "I love" with a heart...SHELLI OH MY GOD!

Shelli and Clay stop and look up, and then the feeds go to FISH.  Just before the feeds vanish, Austin asks Clay if he ordered that banner, but of course that would be impossible.

About five minutes later, the feeds return as Clay says that "it could have been Clelli" and Shelli says "yeah" and then we get FISH again.

Thanks a lot, Clay.

When the feeds return Liz thanks the live feeders, and Shelli chimes in on that.  Within moments, the Poole family issued a statement denying responsibility.  But are they passing blame to the dog?

BB continues to scold Vanessa for her lackluster armor-shining skills.  Luckily Vanessa has other job skills to fall back on.

Vanessa Must Buff Jackie for 24 Hours #BB17

So this punishment is a weird one, but I can appreciate the creativity that Production is putting into these punishments this year.

I think this punishment was supposed to be worse for Vanessa, but to me it looks like Jackie's role is just as bad, primarily due to that horrid costume she must wear.  

Jackie is a Knight, and Vanessa is some sort of servant who must keep Jackie's armor shiny.  She has a little buffer and must buff Jackie's armor every minute of the day.  She is allowed to stop once Jackie falls asleep, but must sleep on the floor next to her.  She even has to eat with one hand in order to continue her work on Jackies' armor.

Vanessa:  Oh, but when the voice comes over the speaker and says "Time to Buff" I have to buff until the voice says "Thank you".

Jackie says she still gets to sleep, though.  But how is she going to sleep in that costume?

(***Update*** Jackie has to wear the armor suit for one week, but Vanessa will only be punished for 24 hours.)

They are already having a rough time with the leg pieces. Vanessa wants to see if they can use hair ties to hold them on.  I know Jackie was probably hoping for a costume that is a little more flattering, but I guess she can handle this for 24 hours.

Vanessa says that it took them a long time in the DR because they had some "costume issues".  Vanessa was supposed to wear tights, but she says you could see her underwear through them, so they switched to some sort of "frumpy pants" for the time being. They look like thick dark red velvet, and will likely be comfortable, yet warm.

Vanessa's little red cap is scratchy, too, she says.  But her costume is cute compared to Jackie's costume.

(Love the feather, though. I think Vanessa should wear that hat with her designer shades at her next WSOP event.)

You can see Vanessa buffing Jackie's leg while she talks.  I guess this punishment is going to hinder any game talks she may have planned to have before the PoV ceremony tomorrow.  Vanessa and Jackie kind of pretend to have a good working relationship, but I think they both are very wary of the other and would strike against each other at the first opportunity.

Vanessa says that she's not allowed to buff Jackie's helmet unless Jackie is in the shower. They laugh about Steve sitting there, watching them

Jackie: He's watching you clean me.

Steve:  Well, you said you wanted company.

I'll bet in real life Jackie would throw a hissy fit and storm off stage if she had to wear this sort of thing for a performance. 

(Kind of like she did during her performance with the Cher impersonator in Mexico City.)

Vanessa got down on one knee, asking if that is the required stance for this, and begins to buff the bottom of Jackie's breastplate. They guys are all making mild sexual innuendos and there is a lot of laughter.

Vanessa, giggling:  This is the weirdest thing I've ever done in my life!

James tells Meg that she better be glad he's not having to do this to her.  Steve clarifies a few things for me by calling Vanessa a "Squire".  Someone requests that Vanessa do her Scottish accent while she works, so she does.

Vanessa, as a Scottish Squire:  How are you my Knight?  I'll just shine your foot a wee bit.

Jackie, in a grumpy tone  I'll just sit here.

(Yeah Jackie...but what else is new?)

(I'm sure Production would have much preferred that Steve be wearing either the Knight or Squire's costume, because they are obviously having a VERY hard time finding storylines for him on the CBS episodes, which would explain that odd scene of him with the cameras making ET-like noises.  Allison Grodner is likely TERRIFIED at having a Steve scenario in the final three because how in the hell will they craft usable scenes out of that?  It's not like they can shoot B Roll footage at Steve's fraternity, since they shunned him before officially making him a member. Sorry to hit Steve with shrapnel here, but this is a very real issue going on behind the scenes right now for Production.)

Vanessa reports having some static cling issues.

Vanessa wants the leg pieces to fit better without falling off, but is worried that using hair ties will cut off Jackie's circulation. She requests "better ideas from the peanut gallery".

Vanessa:  Steve, you're an engineer, can you look at this and engineer something to help us?

A Twin:  The Knight has to look perfect at all times-ah.

(I will never tire of The Twins' manner of speaking.)

Steve kneels down to take a closer look at the situation. Steve says we don't have safety pins but Vanessa assures him that he can figure out something as he gets up in search of materials.

Vanessa:  But Steve...what about that glass on the floor?  (ha ha ha) Even a lowly Squire can ask that things be kept tidy around here.  I'm in the presence of greatness so often that it's beginning to rub off on me...get it?

A Twin:  Ah...rub off on you!  Ha ha I get it.

James:  Nice.

Steve returns and reports that when the storage room is available, he'll try to find something in there to fix the problem.  The Twin wants to know what Jackie's Knight name is.

Vanessa:  Her name is Jacqueline the Great.

James implores Jacqueline to "get control of your peasant, because he is insulted to hear her speak to them in this manner".

The Twin, probably Liz:  Yes, get control of your peasant-ah.

Austin: Get control of your vassal.

Jackie: After 10 PM, there is no speaking.

Everyone loves that line, and how Jackie is putting her Squire in her place.


Austin certainly knows what a vassal is, with all of his post-graduate work with medieval matters.
I'm sure Production had Austin in mind with the theme of the PoV, but unfortunately he was not picked to play, nor did he even host it.  (Julia hosted the PoV.)  I heard Austin talk to Vanessa one time about his study of romance literature.  He said that we only know basic facts about what happened in medieval times--like who was king and who was executed, etc.

But his graduate work focused on figuring out the social morays of the day and trying to determine the feelings behind some of the actions.  He said there had been a big shift in the way women were viewed that likely played into many of the royal decisions and initiatives.  I think he was saying that women went from basically slave roles to semi-deities that inspired devotion. 

All of which might help us understand the Hairy Beast that is Austin, I guess.


Becky:  I want to hear that mean voice that comes over when you stop buffing.

Vanessa:  Really?  How bad do you want to hear it?

She doesn't stop buffing, but says that they will hear that plenty of times, particularly overnight.  Vanessa says that Jackie has a special unitard for swimming, and buffing must occur during that process as well.

Vanessa:  24 hours is a long time.

They talked about how long Jackie and Vanessa were in the DR.  Jackie joked that they were learning a dance (ala Whackstreet Boys) but Vanessa said they had to do interviews and figure out the costume issues.  Her original tights were like "Squire Porn", she says, and were clearly inappropriate.

Vanessa:  Only 23 and a half hours left.

Becky:  But it could be worse, Vanessa.  I'm trying to be an optimist. You won when you came in the door, Vanessa.

Liz says this is better than last year's Adam and Eve costumes, though.

Vanessa:  But I'm in labor the whole time!

Becky thinks that costume last year would have been very hard for any female who didn't want to show their body, since you were nearly naked, wearing just a bathing suit and leaves.

Vanessa:  All I know is after all of this, my arms will be very buff!

Everyone groans, and says that is a "Steve" type of joke.  Vanessa explains she has nothing much to do right now, besides working on her puns.

Vanessa, as a Scottish Squire:  What would make me happy is just a wee chalice of wine right now.

Jackie, grumpy:  Or a whole bottle.

Vanessa:  Oh, but I can only dream of that!


Enjoy this moment from BB16, when Victoria and Caleb had to dress like Adam and Eve, tied to each other for 24 hours.  The two of them were hardly friends at the time, too, making it even more unlikely as a nearly-naked pair.

And speaking of enemies chained together, surely you remember Britney Haynes and Brendon Villegas being chained together during BB12.  Brendon was fighting for his life that week, and accepted every punishment he could in order to win the PoV that week.  So he also had to do the "Chum Dunk" for 24 hours, and also shaved his head.  Needless to say Britney was not thrilled at having to participate in this, but they both handled it like professionals.

The Weight of the Kingdom is on Shelli's Shoulders. #BB17

Shelli has been up all night in the backyard, completing the punishment she "won" during yesterday's PoV competition.  She has to complete a series of movements that are apparently supposed to replicate a knight's challenge.  Or something like that.

Her costume is a little flimsy-looking, like something you'd buy in a plastic bag for your kid at Halloween.  She's not allowed to go inside to sleep---I think she can only sleep outside if she needs to rest.  Clay is sitting out there keeping her company, as they try and talk through a deal they are trying to make with James to save one of them with the PoV he won.

OK, so the "Knight's Ritual", or whatever they are going to call it.  Shelli has to use her sword to knock down a pole.

And then she has to put the pole back up.  No one is allowed to help her with this, which is similar to Brittany's soccer kick challenge last one was allowed to help her retrieve soccer balls after she kicked them (often missing the goal, too).

Apparently either the sword or this stick has already broken once, and had to be replaced by Production.

And Shelli has to touch the tip of her sword to the bullseye on the target.  Note that the bullseye is already messed up, pushed in and probably hanging by a thread.

Then Shelli has to hit a hanging bag with her sword so it smacks into another target.

The cameras show us Shelli's progress.  As she reaches 1,400, she tells Clay she only has 1,000 more to go, in a sarcastic voice.

Clay:  The first 1,400 wasn't too bad.  You're doing great.

Shelli:  The thing is, you start to get tired.  My legs are getting tired.

They discuss the possibility of getting some ice cream during their next break.

After Shelli reaches 1,400, there is another part of the ritual that must be performed, probably after every 100 rituals, or maybe before she is allowed to take breaks.

Shelli puts on her crown and grabs a cowbell and walks through the living room, calling out what I'm sure is the required announcement.

Shelli the Knight:  Hear ye!  Hear ye!  The Kingdom is safe, the Kingdom is safe!  All is well in your Kingdom! Only 1,000 more to go!

This ritual is surprisingly elaborate, right?  The bell is very loud and clangy, which I'm sure is the point.  Shelli is being a good sport about this, and has a good attitude.  She and Clay cracked up a number of times outside, laughing about how stupid this all is.

As Shelli comes outside she tells Clay she heard someone cheer for her from the bedrooms.

Shelli stops for a cookie break.  They both are getting weird feelings about Vanessa now, and realize she is getting paranoid about them, too.  They have a plan to approach Meg to try and put something together with her for the rest of the game.  They may use a threat, and Clay says they will sit next to each other, and Clay will tap Shelli's leg twice if he wants to make the threat, and Shelli will tap back twice if she doesn't think that is a good idea.

They discuss different things to say to James, and might use the money they can make being on the Jury as a way to appeal to James on a friend level.  (They get paid a stipend of about $1,000 per week for every week they are in the house or sequestered in the Jury.)

(But something tells me James will be thinking of Jason, who could have really used that stipend...)

Shelli:  I can't believe he is able to get this whole house wanting to backdoor one of us...


Last night, after the PoV, the air in the house was crackly with tension. The girls made small talk about how handsome Clay looked standing up there in his costume.  I was hoping that Clay would be wearing tights, but alas that costume includes shorts, not tights.

Clay:  Watch me have to get a job at DisneyLand, walking around dressed like this.

(But Disney would require tights, right?)

Becky Burgess, looking $5,000 richer than she did this morning.

And I have to say that I went back and listened to what Shelli and James discussed at the end of the HoH competition.  When you watch a live competition like that on the live feeds, the video is kind of choppy and slow as so many people tune in to watch.  And when someone falls, it gets extra choppy because I think people are filming it and making gifs.

So anyway, when I listened back, I could clearly hear Shelli mention keeping both her and Clay safe from both nominations and backdoors.  I only heard the backdoor part when I watched it live, but she did request safety from nominations as well.

So, was it clumsy and ill-advised to say that right in front of the entire cast?  Yes, but at least she did ask for more than I thought she did.  So there's that.

Now, Shelli must have been in the DR while all this happened.  Meg finally got Clay alone in the bathroom and tried to talk some sense into him, after hearing him beg everyone to vote him out instead of Shelli.  (Previously, Clay was saying he would use the PoV to save Shelli if he won, but that is a moot point now.)

Now, the tone of this conversation is friendly, but if you just watched the video or saw these pictures you might think differently.

Meg was almost whispering, trying to keep this conversation private.  She implored him to fight, saying that he has friends in this game, he has people he can work with.

Meg:  Clay, you know how I feel about you. You picked the wrong girl if you expect me to cheer you on for just giving up like this!

She started crying, saying she wanted to come into the game like a tough New Yorker, and look at her now.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want Meg standing between my boyfriend's legs like that.  Especially when you know how Meg likes to lean over and leverage that cleavage in most of her conversations.

I was very uncomfortable, watching this, waiting for Shelli to come around that corner and get a load of this conversation.  Because remember they are whispering....and Meg is kind of crying and is very passionate about what she's saying.

She's smashing them right into his face, practically.  Probably hitting his chin.

Meg: came into this game alone.  And you can win alone!

The cameras are all over this.  Kind of like Meg being all over Clay, right?

Now, Meg didn't move her hand, because I was definitely watching for that, but she left it there, making it easy for me to snap this picture.


Enjoy this memory from BB16, as Brittany is in those deadly morning hours, when her goal to kick 2,400 soccer goals seems impossible.  And Cody wasn't happy about those penalty kicks-in-the-butt, either.

And here is another post, when Brittany was in the early hours of her soccer challenge.  And Nicole is still enjoying wearing her Germantard.

And from BB15, let's not forget how Amanada had to spray tan in the backyard, over and over and over.  That punishment got old fast, too, and everyone stopped being supportive so Amanda had to tan alone in the wee hours of the night.