Thursday, July 14, 2016

Tiffany's Planned Speech, and Other Assorted Items. #BB18

OK.  Around 1.50 am this morning, Paulie and Corey were sitting in the Nairobi Lounge whispering like two naughty school girls about the big BLINDSIDE that is now apparently sure to happen on tonight's live show.

Paulie:  You and me shouldn't be on anybody's radar for the next two weeks.  We should just sit in on conversations and not say a fucking word.  We do need to figure out what to say to James about it afterwards....we'll just say we didn't know.


Corey wants to blame the votes to evict Bronte on the girls, saying "it's a girls thing".  Paulie thought that was a great plan, and the two of them whisper-giggled about it.

(Um....HELLO.  The girls will still outnumber you 7-5, so be careful you meatheads.  Although...if you factor in the love struck and obedient Nicole and Zakiyah I guess the count could go the other way....)

Tiffany came in the room, quietly closing the door behind her.  You should know that in the last 24 hours, Tiffany has learned that Frank expects the vote to evict her to be 9-0.  At first, Tiffany was obviously annoyed that they didn't tell her about that, but they played it off like it was only Frank's imagination, rather than the Whole House Initiative that it was....

(She'll find out about that, I predict, maybe as soon as the HoH competition ends tonight, depending on who wins, and how salty or frightened they may be.  Can you imagine if Frank wins HoH?  People may have to Stuff Their Sorries in a Sack, Son.)


Back to Tiffany...now that she knows that Frank is the only one who expects her to be evicted unanimously (***wink wink***), she's been working on her little speech tonight, and wants the guys to give some feedback.

I actually don't think we've had the chance to see Happy Tiffany yet this season, but the plans for tonight have her feeling pretty giddy, I think.


She launches into her prepared speech:

Tiffany:  So what I've learned in the last few weeks in this house is that dictatorships seldom work as a means of decision-making, in this house and in the real world.


Tiffany:....and what I've noticed this week is that this is especially true when said person is spewing out cow manure that is worse than the gas that they excrete around here on a daily basis.


Corey reacts to that.


(I'm telling you Corey is a dead ringer for Lance Bass.)


Tiffany:  Wait...it gets better....because I don't want to say "shit", and I don't want to say "fart", so I have to say "cow manure" and "gas that they excrete on a daily basis".

Cow:  Wait, how did I get involved with this Shit Show?  Please leave me out of it.



Tiffany: ....So, with that said, just know that if you keep me, I'm targeting said person, and you should be safe moving forward.

Corey:  That's on.  I love it.

Paulie, snickering:  Are you going to be able to say it without fumbling over the words?

(That is uncalled for, right?)

Tiffany:  Oh, yes.  I'm going to go over about 20 times.  I can't sleep.  Will you guys help me edit?

Paulie says it was "pretty damn on point", but suggests she say that she's going after "said person and his army of little minions", and Tiffany agrees. I'll do it, she says.

Minion:  You leave me out of this, bitch!  Get my god damned attorney on the phone!  Better yet, call that blow hard Les Moonves!


Tiffany:  I'm hanging on a thread here.  I don't give a fuck.

A few seconds later:

Tiffany:  Is that bad?

(So much for not giving a fuck.)

Paulie:  And Paul is going to talk about Friendship in his speech, and who knows what the fuck Bronte will say up there.

Maggie Asburn: Wait...he's going to talk about WHAT?


Fucking Cappy:  It's 2:00 AM...LIGHTS OUT BITCHES!


****

I know we all love to hate the Jeff live feed breaks, but Victor was a pleasant surprise.  He said he left the game in the house and had a good time re-living a few moments with Jeff.

He has a good sense of humor about himself, and was even able to laugh about the Bread Bed prank.

Let's face it people, if the Big Plan to evict Frank next week falls through, Victor may have a great shot at coming back in the game, given the state of his Battle Back competition. Or lack of competition....

Can you imagine the James/Victor dynamic if that happens?  Not to mention the Victor/Natalie dynamic.....


And Jeff showed us a clip that I've never seen before....of Paul laying down crying HARD in the backyard, saying this game is hard and lying to people he cares about isn't easy.

Whose hand do you think that is, rubbing Paul's chest in a circular motion and comforting him?


It's Frank Eudy's hand, son.  Frank was saying that Big Brother is like The Hunger Games.

Paul, sniffling:  It is...but I like it.  I like playing this game.

*****

Note that mere seconds after Tiffany left the room after reciting her speech, Frank came in and wondered what Tiffany was up to.


Corey and Paulie both mocked her, saying that she came in to talk to them without even having her microphone on.

Paulie:  I bet she's been laying in there and just staring at the ceiling.

Frank:  Yeah, she's freaking out.

****

I love JokersUpdates, but their daily house guest polls are just too much sometimes.

How is fucking Bridgette ranked even below Frank now?  And in the lowest spot of all?  What the hell?

And fucking GLENN is ranked higher than Nicole?  And Cody's brother?  Ha ha ha OMG.


People must be high when they do their daily rankings over there, right?

And speaking of high, look at what I just bought at Publix:
The graham cracker-flavored cookie part is what really sealed my purchase decision.  I took the package straight out of the bag and hid it on the tippy top shelf of the pantry.

But I know how things get on live eviction nights.....as soon as I catch a buzz I'm going to drag a chair over there to the pantry and start fishing around for them.

Shut That Door and Throw Away the Key. #BB18

OK.  Once again, things in the Big Brother house have changed.  The script has flipped once again!


Even Paulie is on board with the new plan, it seems, but I think Nicole, Michelle and Paulie all plan to blame their votes to evict Bronte on someone else.  I LOVE THAT.  We are about to see some DASTARDLY DEEDS in that house!  Along with what just might be a BRUTAL BLINDSIDE for several cast members.  Like Frank.....and Natalie.....and Bridgette....

If this goes forward, tonight's live CBS show is going to be EPIC.

The HoH competition is going to be the one where the house guests saw a series of show clips on the memory wall, and they will need to memorize every detail in order to win.  Nicole said she won this competition during her season, and apparently Frank won it during his season, too.

So...get your snacks ready for tonight's live show.  Yes, indeed.

*** AN APOLOGY TO THE READERS ***


I don't know how I missed it yesterday, but on Tuesday night Nicole decided to go rogue and try to align with Frank, to harness all of his power and brute force to get her to the end of the game.  Nicole has decided that she wants Da'Vonne out next week, and knew Frank would be on board with her plan.  Corey was in on it, too, but in true Team Coconuts style, somehow Zakiyah found out and told Da'Vonne.

Da'Vonne doesn't need much of a reason to start spinning and accusing people of lying to her.  So she asked Nicole if this was true, and Nicole freaked and ran from the room to get Corey to help her.

I'm sure we will see this footage on the CBS show, because two vets going for each other when there is NO NEED to do that yet is TV gold. But I didn't want you, the reader to get blindsided by this, too.

If you read yesterday's post, you know other important facts such as Natalie was being gassy all night, and Frank having a huge moth land on the heel of his foot, so let's not forget the crucial public service I am providing here.  I can't be everywhere and see everything at once, unfortunately.

*** AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW ***

Yesterday Bridgette watched the Spy Screen, and talked out loud, telling us that everyone was up until 5:00 AM, and also her thoughts about her cast mates.  For example:

*  Natalie is WAY too emotional about everything.  Bridgette said this several times.

*  Bronte is also emotional, and has tied herself to too many people in the house.


*  Zakiyah is too homesick to play this game properly.

*  Paulie's game is getting ruined by Zakiyah.

*  Corey --why is he even here?  All he wants is a billboard to sell himself.  He doesn't care about this game.


Bridgette was crunching on a bag of snacks, and even held it up to the camera before she opened it so we could all see it.  But I missed that too.  Sorry.  They sounded like nuts or something, though, very crunchy and fresh.


Vanessa was confused about the post-Outback Steak dinner snuggling we saw with Bridgette and Frank on last night's CBS episode.


Maybe Bridgette's boyfriend was a little upset, but I don't think Ashton should be worried about Frank.  You see, I KNOW guys like Frank, and he was very careful in this scene with Bridgette.  If you noticed, when Bridgette asked Frank if it was okay for her to put her head on his chest, Frank carefully said "it's not hurting me", indicating that it was her choice, not his.

Also, Bridgette was the one putting her arm across Frank's chest...Frank was very careful to keep his arms up over his head in a passive manner, like this:


And then in the DR, Frank told us that he was working Bridgette, since she was buzzed and he had some bad news he needed to tell her.

This reminds me of what one of my best male friends told me about lap dances.  He said that when he is at a bachelor party or a nudie bar, he makes sure to sit on his hands during a lap dance so he won't forget and touch the strippers.  Because those strippers are often totally naked and grinding all over the customers, who are often drunk, and one false move can get you thrown out of there.  He also told me about when he visited Dallas, and got a "Texas Lap Dance" along with a guy who lives there. Apparently Texas does not have a "Hands Off" rule, so there is no need to sit on anything.....

Nicole sat down on the couch and said good morning to her family and friends, and introduced them to Zakiyah as someone who she will be friends with forever.  Corey came in and got in on the action, saying hello to Nicole's family using their first names.


Frank is in the living room, too.  Corey and Nicole are both grumpy after sleeping in those bumper cars all night, and Corey is fed up with listening to Tiffany complain about it.

Corey:  If I have to hear one more time about how her hips stick up on one side in there....

Nicole:  I've never heard it.

Frank:  I've heard it.

Corey:  Why don't you go in there and ask her..she'll tell you all about it.  I'm so tired of hearing about it.

Frank, snickering:  She can see the doctor on Thursday.


It's never too early for Frank to tease Nicole.  First he says she looks like Jozea wearing his cape, but Nicole says she's cold and needs the blanket.  She's not trying to look like Jozea.

(Nicole should have said, "Who?")

Frank:  Nicole you and Tiffany are like birds of a feather.


Nicole says Tiffany has FOMO, but she herself has JOMO when she's at home.

Frank:  JOMO? What is that?

Nicole: Joy of missing out.

Frank agrees that he has that, too.

(Vanessa called this "HOMO" last season---the hope of missing out, but god knows we can't get Frank on tape saying "homo".  Someone would gif that and then an angry mob would gather outside the gates of the CBS lot with lighted torches.)



Nicole is having some skin problems right now, and everyone commiserates.

Corey:  I had bad acne growing up.

Frank:  Me too.

Nicole:  Really Corey?  I didn't have any acne until I got to college.

Zakiyah says she had really bad acne in middle school, and all of the kids made fun of her.

Corey:  They called me Pepperoni Face.

This blows Nicole's mind.  I don't think Nicole even thinks Corey is human, she is so infatuated with him.


Bridgette joins the group and wraps up her foot.  She's not using the crutches anymore, but says there is still some swelling.

Apparently Tiffany has contracted some sort of toe fungus now, but the living room crew doesn't seem that concerned about it.  Maybe that's what prompted Tiffany to scour the shower yesterday.

In prison you should use shower shoes to avoid this sort of thing, but you can't bring them in there with you when you get locked up....you have to buy them through the commissary.  That's what "my friend" told me.  Ha ha ha.


*** SIDEBAR ***

Actually, I may have a slight problem with a prisoner that kind of frightens me.  I read the book "Orange is the New Black" last fall and decided to get a prison pen pal, after realizing how much the prisoners look forward to mail call every day.

I picked a guy who lives several states away from me, who is serving a life sentence, to avoid any sort of confusion on his part regarding my intentions.  I think I wrote him three letters over a six week period, just chatting about my life and what is going on in the world right now, using a conversational tone much like the one I use to write this blog.  My prison pen pal has been in prison for one reason or another for much of his life.  He was involved in Mexican drug cartel activity in his youth, but is now imprisoned due to a VERY violent act against his girlfriend.  I was watching Narcos on Netflix at the time, so I enjoyed hearing about the drug smuggling, etc  And of course I watched Breaking Bad so I was picturing that whole scene going on at the fried chicken chain.  Anyway, my prisoner knew I was  nearly 20 years older than him, so I thought things were cool.  We have the same birthday, which is one reason why I picked him off the prison pen pal website.

But then I opened a letter from him just after Christmas, and found that he sent me a bunch of ORIGINAL photographs of his family.  He said that I could "make copies if I wanted to", but he needed the originals back.  If I wasn't creeped out by that alone (Why the hell would I want copies of his sad fucking family pictures?), I was definitely skeeved by the letter, where he suddenly decided to tell me that I was "his #1", and he read my letters over and over, and feels he understands me now, and begged for a picture of me.

Oh HELL NO.  I sent his photographs back (picture Tiffany handling them wearing those yellow rubber gloves) along with a short statement that we clearly have different objectives for our pen pal relationship, and that I was uncomfortable reading his letters now and would not be writing again.

I got two more letters from him, that remain unopened in my prison pen pal file.  (You know, just in case.  The folder is on the bottom shelf of my desk on the left side, in case John Walsh needs to find them.)

Out of the blue I got another letter from him last week.  I was coming home from a dinner out with friends, and was kind of buzzed, so I opened it.  He was saying that when he got that letter from me with the pictures, he felt like I dumped him (I did, in a way.) and was very upset.  But then he reported that he "has a new scar on his face", was "getting transported to a new unit", and that "he's back in my life" now.

Um....I was the one who "left", dude.

Another letter came this week, but I didn't open it.  It's in the file with the others, sorted in order of mailing date.  (Accountants are very organized people.)  Honestly there was nothing in my letters to him that I wouldn't have said to the person behind me in line at Publix...just normal one-sided chatter..

I did save a Google search for his name, so hopefully I will be notified if he escapes or something.  You know what they say, "no good deed goes unpunished".  Sorry to go off track here, but it freaks me out now that someone is confined to a tiny space, potentially obsessing about me while I carry on with my life, oblivious.  I think there is a Big Brother parallel in there somewhere...

*** END OF SIDEBAR ***

Zakiyah, Tiffany and Michelle really hate Bridgette. Zakiyah does an impression of her where she is baby-talking about making butter cookies, and then turns around and says "FUCK YOU" in a mean voice.

Tiffany:  I just can't....I just can't with her.

Zakiyah:  And she keeps telling me I'm cute....I'm like, no bitch YOU'RE cute, I'm FINE.

And so on.  They also mocked James and Natalie, first calling them The Minions, and then trying to figure out what they should call them.

Tiffany:  I hate to say this, but when I see them I think of Santa and an Elf.  I mean, Natalie is a beautiful girl, she really is, but she could be an Elf, right?  She kind of looks like an Elf!


Corey and James had what to me was a very upsetting conversation about what they plan to do with their BB earnings, and potential prize money.  Corey is obviously a Man of Means, and talked to James about putting money in the stock market.

Corey:  You need to put at least $20K in there to trade, and you can make money off it, like at least $1,000 in a short period of time.

(But you can LOSE IT ALL in an even shorter period of time, if you don't know what you are doing. I see this ALL THE TIME with my tax clients.)

James says he's going to do that.  (NO NO NO.)  Nicole wondered what he did with his BB money from last year.

James:  Well....I gave half to my Baby Mama...and used the other half to pay off my truck and all.

Nicole:  How is your relationship with her?

James: With Brianna?  We're okay.  But our relationship is built off a one night stand...

***FISH***

Because like I told you, CBS did that girl WRONG during that segment last year that made it clear she had no idea who the father was until she saw the baby, and she wants NO PART of this nonsense this year.  However, she might change her mind if James wins the big money, although the courts can do the collecting for her, if she wants to go that route.


Frank and Nicole met for a little whispered session.  About Da'Vonne, as I recall.

I think Nicole is smart to try and work with Frank---why let Bridgette be the only beneficiary of Frank's unleashed power?  But of course I feel that way -- I am #TeamFrank, but I am also pulling hard for several of Frank's adversaries.   September is at least three years from now, and many things will happen before then.

People who say they are bored with this season obviously don't understand what is going on right now.  Because this shit is CRAZY.  Who would have thought that the vets would be going after each other like this, so soon?  Particularly when they were set up for success with their group of eight?

And let's not forget that everyone turned on Frank when they thought he was turning on them....and now I can barely keep track of all of the deception among the allies.


Zakiyah came in, and wanted to know what was going on.

Nicole: We're just talking about next week.

Zakiyah:  Um hmm....

***awkward***


Corey wanted to stretch out on that cushy shag carpet in the loft area.  I saw him go in the telephone booth and say hi to his mom and dad, and a host of other people, too.  I think Corey came into this game pretty clueless, but he seems to be hanging in there as good or better as Clay was last year at this time.


I think that pillow under Corey's head is made out of seat belt material.  There was a company a few years ago that was trying to make seat belt purses happen.  Like this:


Do you ever wonder what Corey is thinking about when he goes blank like this?  I heard him say how much he wants to be on Dancing With the Stars, so maybe he's dreaming about the Pasa Doble or whatever the fuck it is.  He had to clarify for Michelle that he would be the "celebrity" paired with the dancing professional, so let's just ponder that for a moment.

Corey:  My ex-girlfriend's family were all on Family Feud.

Everyone:  REALLY?

***FISH***


Paulie sat at the chessboard and had a chat with Michelle.  About the many evils of Frank and Bridgette, of course, or "FRIDGE".

Michelle:  Bridgette is going to go back to those girls once Frank is gone.  Frank is nothing without Bridgette, and Bridgette is nothing without Frank in here.


Michelle is in a good spot right now.  She's established herself as an Anti-Frank person with the right people right now, but if Frank wins HoH or the PoV or the Road Kill next week, she can easily appeal to him, too.  Even if he constantly tells people that he wants to "clip" her.

Da'Vonne is the one who needs to worry just as much as Frank now, since NiCorey wants her out now, too.


Did you think of me when you saw that camera shot on the CBS show last night where they panned those huge white "ribs" from top to bottom?

The ribs are fucking STUPENDOUS.  I don't know where they came from, or how they even got them in there, but they are SPECTACULAR.


Natalie is going to be very upset if Bronte leaves tonight.  Do you think Bronte is going to wear those horrible pink cordoroy shorts on the live show?

They may need to shoot her from the waist up, if so. Just sayin'.   It's at least a PG situation down there right now.


Frank told the group about the Have Not room in his season, where the beds tilted down at a 45 degree angle.

Frank:  They ended up sleeping on the floor, it was so uncomfortable.  Ashley hurt her back sleeping in there.


I thought Bridgette was a vegan, but she is actually a vegetarian who can't have dairy products.  She told the group that she went vegan for a short time, but started having heart palpitations while she was watching the Finale of Breaking Bad.

Bridgette: And I had the palpitations for days, so I did some research it it was related to going vegan.


In the London room, the group who are plotting to evict Bronte tonight met, and solidified their plans.


Paulie:  If it's a close vote, that's great.  All the better to hide behind.

Corey:  Yeah, we're just going to DENY DENY DENY.


The group of rogue voters includes:  Nicole, Corey, Paulie, Michelle, and Zakiyah.

That's all they need---five votes.  So Da'Vonne might need her own closeup tonight, while Julie Chen reads the votes.  Because she might get blindsided, too.

(I'll bet she'll try to align with Frank, too, if she thinks all other avenues have closed. Yep.)

***UPDATE*** Da'Vonne apparently knows about the vote tonight.


Paulie was surprised to learn that Sid Vicious is Frank's dad.  Michelle thinks they look alike, now that Frank is older and cut his hair.


Paul came in and they immediately changed the subject to studying for the HoH competition.  They also bashed Tiffany for a few minutes, to string Paul along about who is really going home tonight.

So Paul will be glad to be safe, but he's going to get blindsided, too.

HEY CBS:  Can we get a split screen like the Brady Bunch tonight so we can get a load of each person's reaction?  There should be a look of shocked horror, or a self-satisfied smirk on each person's face.  And a blank stare from Corey, of course.