Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Wil Heuser Presents: The Saga Episode 3 #BB17

Wow.  Things took a dark turn this week.  I knew from following Wil on Twitter that he's not enjoying this season. I think many of the house guests don't give him much to parody, apparently.

How can Wil be bored with this season?  It has been one crazy thing after another, with at least twice the number of hardcore BB fans and gamers in the house than the usual season.

But this isn't about what I think...it's about what Wil thinks.  A few highlights in this episode:

*  Julie Chen has had it. I know she's had it before, but never this bad.
*  She tells Da'Vonne to STFU.
*  Meg is the perfect Meg, with her perfectly-awful outfit from last Thursday's live show.
*  Julie is not happy with Austin.
*  Or anyone else, for that matter.  But I'll let you see for yourself.

Get well soon Julie Chen. I hope Les has bail money for you.


Jason Tells Jeff About the Rude Awakening Jokers Updates Has For Him, and Everybody Else. #BB17

As we join the conversation, everyone anticipates the precious drops of alcohol they hope to receive from BB tonight.  Jeff "jokes" that maybe he and James should be the ones to drink it all, to wash their nomination sorrows away.


Jason mentions how great the live feeds were back in BB14 where Britney Haynes knew she was going home so she drank a whole bottle of wine and then sat on that very couch, ripping everyone in the house a new one.

(Way back then, I used to recap every episode of BBAD, which was a colossal waste of time.  I had a lot of daily BBAD recap readers, but it seems so boring now, with no pictures.  Anyway, I recapped that night Britney got drunk here.  The next day we learned that she had to get medical attention in the DR later in the evening.  I think they had to pump her stomach and she slept on the DR couch for a few hours.  But I'm sure they only let her do that because she is BB Royalty.)

Jason:  That was the week of Dan's funeral, And Dan just ran around hiding from her all night while she went nuts.  I'm not sure if she's a live feeder now, but she keeps up with Hamsterwatch and Jokers Updates and tweets her thoughts on things.  And it's just as funny as her DR sessions used to be.  Shout out to Britney---I love you Britney and I hope your daughter is doing better.

Jeff, ever the opportunist, says that he can marry Britney. (Oh my God...hell no.)

Jason explains that she is already married now, with a new last name that he can't remember.  He then says that her daughter Tilly was diagnosed with cancer and how sad it all was.

John:  Did she have Tilly when she was on the show?

Jason:  No.  She had just gotten married before BB14.  And on BB15 they announced on the live show that she just had a baby.  But Tilly got leukemia or some other form of cancer...it's sad.

This is a buzzkill for everyone, even thought they don't have any booze yet.  Jeff can't even make any degrading comments about Britney, he's so saddened by this news.

(Note:  Britney posted pictures on social media just last week to celebrate Tilly's 2nd birthday, and she looked happy and healthy.  I think Britney has another baby on the way, too...so there is a happy ending to the story.)


Clay's hair is holding up under the pressure, though.


Jeff:  I've never been on Jokers Updates.

Jason:  You will, after this.  It's like the....well I don't want to say it's the BB encyclopedia...that would be attwx.

(That website is amazing...prepare to lose a few precious hours of your day now just from scrolling down the left sidebar.  Sorry!)



Jeff:  Weren't you saying you were hated on there, or no?

Jason:  I'm probably hated on there.

Clay:  What is Jokers Updates?

Jason:  Jokers Updates, for people that don't watch feeds, or for people who do watch feeds...(struggling to explain it)...for example, if I'm on Jokers Updates, I can type in that a bunch of house guests are talking about bacon, with a time stamp. So if I'm at work and can't watch the live feeds, I can go back and find what I want to see....it's like the Cliff Notes of the live feeds...

Jeff:  Right...right...right...


Jason: And on the side it has all of our pictures, with an update on there about who's HoH, who's nominated....and if you're a Jokers member, you can rate us everyday....you see our faces and you rate 1 through 5.



Jason:  And then you rate...and then it takes you to a graph where you can see everybody's face, and where they were before...so you can see that everybody hated you on Day #5, and then you moved up!


Jeff:  Right...right...

(Look Jeff you smug asshole...you're not going anywhere on those charts.  Trust me.)


Jason:  And if you did something on Day #10 that nobody liked, you can see you went down...you can literally see how the public's opinion of you changed.

(Oh, are we boring you Jeff?  That you have so much time to pick at the skin on your shoulder?)


Jeff:  I'm terrified...

(Yes, show some respect Jeff.  We're in charge of you now. Heh heh heh.)

Jason:  Yeah, me too. And the Big Brother SuperFans?  And the  BB live feeders?  I'm a live feeder, too, so you'd think they would like me, but my personality is like...I'm sure...pissing them off, so I'm sure I'm like, waaayyy down on Jokers Updates.



Jason:  Usually they like, love three people, and the rest they hate.  So it's really about how much you hate someone compared to everyone else.

Jeff:  Who do you think that is for our cast?

Jason:  The three they love?  Steve...

Jeff:  Steve...ha ha ha ha ha.

Jason:  For sure Steve.  For sure.  I'm positive.  They're obsessed with Steve. Probably Audrey and.......hmm...I don't know who the third would be.....maybe Day, because she got big cheers and she was probably great in the Diary Room.

Everyone, sitting in scared silence:  Um hmm.

Jason:  So those are the three they probably love, and everybody else is just like how much they hate you less than they hate someone else.

Jeff, slowing accepting his fate:  Yeah.


Jason: Literally, for Big Brother Canada 3, there were only 4 people in that number one spot, ever..it was just those 4 people up there, rotating.

John:  They do Canada too?  I didn't know that.

Audrey:  They're not going to like me, because I've cried so much.

(You think that's the reason, Audrey?)

Jason: Ummmm.  Sometimes its the people who cry, but you never really know. Sometimes they hate the criers, but sometimes they understand why you're crying.  But like 16,15,14...the last three spots? Once they decide they loathe someone, those three spots are the same the whole time regardless of what you do.  You just don't want to be the Bottom Three.

Audrey thinks Jeff might have an advantage, because he's been on another show (TAR).

Jason:  No, they do Jokers Updates polls for the week before the season even starts,  And those ratings are almost a different color, so you can see what people thought before the premiere, and then what people thought after the premiere..

(Jason, crushing dreams out on the patio tonight.  But in reality, Jeff and Jackie weren't even announced as house guests until the second night of the premiere.  But we still knew...c'mon...)

Jason: After that premiere...everybody has a big shift.....I'm pretty sure my personality annoys them...because if I was watching, I feel like I would be annoyed with me...like I was annoyed with Wil from season 14. I'm probably not that different from him.  But when you're watching it, it's different from living it.

Audrey:  Why were you annoyed with him?

James: He walked around the house doing impersonations...he never did his own voice....everything was in a fucking accent, and you were like SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE ANNOYING ACCENTS!.

Everyone laughs, probably feeling relief and thinking, "I don't do annoying accents".

Jason:  He became draining.

(Not for me, I loved Wil with One Ell.)

Jeff thinks everyone thinks he and Austin are big idiots, because of their "podcast".  Jason says that may or may not be true, although putting on "shows" can be very polarizing.

Jason:  They either think it is totally ridiculous and LOATHE you both for it, or they think it's funny.

Jeff gulps his non-alcoholic cocktail.


OK.  Let's sneak a peek at the current ratings.  You can participate or keep an eye on these polls by clicking on the "Rate HG" area of the "Links" on each page. It's hard to find the first time, but once you know how to find it, it's simple.

Note that the left side is the "Fan" side, and the right side is the "Game" side.  Once you get voted out you fall to the bottom of the Game side.  Jason is in the #2 spot, up there at the tippy top with Johnny Mac, Vanessa, and The Twins.

So he's wrong about who we all love.

But yes, Jeff Weldon is at the bottom, keeping company with Jackie, Audrey, and Jace.  So once again, Jason is a little off.  But he's not seeing what we're seeing on the live feeds.

And here is the poll trend that Jason just mentioned.  The top part got chopped off, but basically this section shows Day #20 (on far left) through Day #29.  Jeff has been down there at the bottom for days now.


And before I forget, thank you very much to Dreamer at Jokers, who has been linking some of my posts in the Highlights section of their website.

Preesh, Dreamer.

***ALSO***

I just want to point out that one reason why were able to enjoy this conversation about Jokers Updates so much is because Steve was not sitting out there.  If he was, he would have interrupted Jason CONSTANTLY to spout statistics about how Marcellas dropped in the poll or whatever.

Both Jason and Steve are Big Brother historians, but Jason is actually able to relate the information into usable, interesting pieces of information, while Steve just spits out raw data with little or no understanding about how other human beings process information for conversational purposes.

I am not trying to slam Steve, but if you just watch the CBS show you aren't really seeing how Steve Moses is on a day-to-day basis.  Steve is getting the Donny Thompson Treatment on the CBS episodes.  So that's all I have to say about that.

***AND***

Has anyone noticed how Meg likes to kind of lean forward when talking to men so they can see her cleavage?  Or if she thinks a camera, any camera, might be pointed in her direction?

I have.

I'm onto you, Meg.


Meg was super excited about having the ingredients to make Puppy Chow.  Everyone was super stoked about it and started the project immediately in the kitchen.  They dumped a huge bag of mini-chocolate bars in a bowl and started unwrapping them to get the chocolate they needed for the Puppy Chow.


I must admit I'd never heard of Puppy Chow until I heard Daniele Donato talk about it on BB8.  She made it on what seemed like a weekly basis and although it sounds delicious, I've still never tried making it.  Here is a popular recipe for it, but this version is sure to have Austin's head, beard, and body hair in it too,

Yuck.

And here are some pictures from yesterday that I need to do something with.

Yesterday Meg and her Cleavage apologized to Audrey for the little misunderstanding they had about Da'Vonne trying to flip the house.  Or whatever that little drama was about.

Audrey might win HoH this week, so Meg needs to grease the skids, I guess.



Audrey wore that damn Gronk T-shirt for several days in a row.


After the PoV ceremony, Johnny Mac visited Vanessa in the HoH room to tell her he planned to vote for his friend Jeff to stay this week. Vanessa understood, but that didn't stop her from launching into her detailed explanation of how Jeff wronged her for the 372nd time.

OK hon.  We get it.


Meg and Jason discussed how hard their decision would be this week...should they evict James or Jeff?  Unfortunately they discussed this in front of Clay, who will run back upstairs and squeal to his alliance every word about their vote analysis.

Don't hate the Texas A&M Player...hate the game, people.  (Although Clay is very close to the bottom of that Joker's poll, if you noticed.)


You might think Jason is looking at Meg's cleavage in this picture, but believe me, he's already seen it at least 7,432 times.


James made a pizza, a frozen one embellished with all sorts of peppers and some sort of deli meat.

You know how I love the overhead food pictures, however looking at James' feet makes me want to blow Puppy Chow all over my desk.


#BB17 House Guests are Just Like Us! Everybody Wants to Get Really Hammered.

As I join last night's conversation the group has figured out that they are on Day 26 of the game.

Jason:  So that's 26 out of 98 days...someone else will need to do the math, because I don't do that.

Jeff:  Why does it feel so much longer?

Jason: It feels like it's going by fast, but each day feels so much longer.

James says it will be hard to go back to work after this...


Jason:  I know.  I feel like somebody should give me a job sitting around talking shit all day...because that's what I do here.

(Who in the hell is that sitting by Jason?  Do the Twins have a cousin?)


Jason:  When I go back to work I'l be like FUCK THESE PAPER TOWEL BOXES!

Clay loved that line.

Jason:  Luckily, we're closed at night when I work, so I can just chuck those boxes around...I'll be like FUCKING RELISH!  FUCKING MUSTARD!!

(Ha ha ha)

Somehow this turns into a discussion about where James should work. They discuss pet stores and animal shelters, where James thinks he can "meet a lot of hot chicks."  Jeff says, "why not Victoria's Secret?"

James:  I've tried that!

Jeff went into Victoria's Secret with one of his "chick friends" and saw a guy working there that he went to high school with, and apparently Jeff still has trouble believing that  Across the yard Becky hears what they are talking about and makes a beeline for the couch, because this is a topic she knows a lot about (she used to work at Victoria's Secret).


Becky:  Well, when I was there we loved having male employees, because they can just fold clothes and straighten the racks because no customers ever want to ask them any questions.  I loved it.  We had a principal who worked there at night and he got shit done!  He loved working with the girls and was a great employee.

(Yeah Becky.  Fuck those damn customers and their need for product information!)


No one has used the HoH bathtub yet, nor apparently even considered it.

Jason:  Well, if I'm ever up there you're only going to talk game with me while I'm laying in that tub!


The chatter turns to bath bombs, and how they are only fun for a few minutes until they fizzle out.

Shelli:  I love bubble baths, and I think they are very fun.

Jason:  You lead an exciting life Shelli.

(***See important update at the end of this post!***)


Everyone is rather glum, and wants some booze tonight.  Jeff told Vanessa that as HoH she should go in the DR and ask for it.  They discuss how they have been relatively civil with each other about the alcohol so far, saving it for someone who's not in the room and trying to be considerate.

(Except for Jace and that champagne, though.)

Becky:  I hid a beer behind the sour cream.

Jason found an opened Bud Light that was in the fridge for a few days, and swears it was not him...he could never waste beer like that.

Becky:  I feel like I'm going to be hammered the night I leave here. Totally hammered.

Jason:  For the night?  How about a whole week?

Becky may just go to Canada and spend some time alone in the woods, saying that's a "very Becky thing to do".

(Doesn't she live in 'Rado?  Can't she just smoke up legally and go for a hike in her backyard? Becky's priorities are all wrong, in my opinion.)

So Vanessa went in the DR and did some quick negotiating, and may have some good news.

Vanessa:  I started off asking for a bottle of hard liquor.....but in the end settled for asking for a few beers with the understanding we will play drinking games for the live feeds.  (Because Gronk Party.)  They're working on that in there right now.


Jackie:  How are we going to play drinking games with half a glass of alcohol?

Austin: Yeah.  That will never work.


Vanessa:  Well, we may need to play Water Bong and then drink beer if we make it.  It just feels wrong to waste any precious alcohol that may spill.  Remember when that wasn't an issue and we had such a wealth of beer available?

Jackie:  NO!  WHEN WAS THAT?

Austin & Liz:  WHEN?  WHEN?  DID I MISS THAT?

Vanessa:  No....in real life.  We just took having a lot of beer for granted.


Liz:  Austin you're cooking the hell out of that steak.

Austin:  I just don't trust this pan.


(I don't like to preach lifestyle habits to you people, but if I can convince even one reader to consider a meatless lifestyle, then my day recapping these stupid life feeds may be worth it.)

No shirt!  No shoes!  No hair or beard net!

(Yes, beard nets are a thing.)


And Liz is right.  Austin did ruin that steak. Such indignity for such a beautiful, gentle animal.

(The cow, not Austin.)


Vanessa went out to the backyard to tell her tale.  Audrey's head popped up at the mention of booze.  Notice she's wearing Clay's Texas A&M shirt now.


Vanessa explains that she started asking for hard liquor (Jason snorts:  Yeah, right.) but they ended up agreeing to provide "copious amounts of beer" if they all play drinking games for the live feeders.


Jason:  Oh.  That will be easy.

Vanessa:  And by "copious amount of beer" I don't mean as much as we would like to have, but more than the zero amount that we currently have.

Jason, perking up: Exactly!  Exactly!

(No doubt Jason is a cheap date at this point and can get tipsy off a fraction of what it would take to get the job done back home.)


Jason explains that Production buys cases of wine and beer of different types and then mixes it all together and doles out six bottles at a time.

Jason:  But I'm down for some drinking games.  Sure!

Jeff, glumly:  I guess I can celebrate.

(Old Jerry from BB10:  YOU'RE GOING HOME!)

I just watched the video at that link three times and cracked up every time....so damn funny.

***Important Update***

On BBAD, Vanessa discussed this comment that Jason made about Shelli's love for bubble baths, saying that he made the comment in a very low key manner, but from looking at his face she saw that as soon as he said it, he realized he made a mistake, because it was clearly a slam.  Shelli laughed at first but then looked stung, as he realized Jason mean to insult her---it wasn't just a joke.

Vanessa:  And then I watched Jason after that, and every time Shelli said anything Jason really overcompensated, acting like it was the funniest thing he's ever heard!  It was really interesting, and very revealing.