How To Survive Big Brother
by Timothy Brecht
So your friend or loved one made it onto CBS’ Big Brother! Firstly, congratulations! Secondly, I’m so sorry. You’re about to learn a lot about humanity - and a lot of it won’t be good. So either you’re partying it up and celebrating your loved one’s success, or worrying your booty off freaking out trying to figure out whats going on in your life. Good news, I have a little advice for both parties. This article is for those who personally know a Big Brother contestant, but there’s some things that every BB fan can benefit from. So here are my rules for making it through a BB summer without burning down everything in sight.
1. BB is just like sports - like exactly the same.
We’ll start with the basics: when a BB season’s cast is revealed, adoring fans and horrible hating freaks magically appear regardless of who the contestants are and what they look like. People immediately start scouring the internet trying to find dirt of every single houseguest, and they will go to creepy stalker-esque measures to do it. The HOUR that BB16’s cast was revealed, there were 5-10 fan accounts for my wife, Christine Brecht. There was hardly enough time for people to watch her interviews before the accounts were made, and that goes for all of the houseguests. Minutes after your loved one’s cast was released, buttloads of people decided they are awesome, and buttloads of people decided they suck. That’s sort of the nature of the beast. People get fanatic about who they root for in Big Brother, just like any sports fan gets fanatic about their team. Just keep in mind that BB people can be the coolest people in the world, but (to keep the balance of good and evil) they can also be the absolute worst.
2. It’s a social experiment, it’s not real life.
A good amount of people will debate me on this and say that people show their true colors when they’re on live TV 24/7, but that’s definitely not the case. The whole concept behind Big Brother is to see what human beings will do when they’re trapped in a hamster cage. It’s not natural. The goal is to be the last one standing out of a total of 16 people, which means you have to backstab somebody or talk bad about somebody else in order to maintain a good social standing with whoever you think will be on your side. It’s the weirdest possible scenario for your loved one to be in, so don’t be surprised if you see your sweethearted loved one do things out of the ordinary.
3. Don’t feed the trolls.
As a constant Twitter user, the most important key to survival is not to give in to mouthbreathing Twitter haters because they’re all terrible and not worth it. People who hide behind Twitter profiles and say awful things to people from TV exposes how awful and unfulfilled that person must be in their actual life. If you’re reading this and you’re a Twitter hater, well I’m surprised you can read more than 140 characters. If you’re reading this and you’re NOT a Twitter hater, you did it! Here’s your trophy for being a normal dude/dudette. You did it. When I first started getting hate, the best advice I was given was “the block button is your best friend” and “block and roll.” Don’t ask questions, don’t acknowledge a troll, just block them and move on. That person lives a crappy life and they’re looking for entertainment. So don’t feed the trolls, ever. They WANT you to respond, so if you don’t respond then they don’t win. Eventually trolls fade away into the internet abyss.
4. Don’t BE a troll, or I will find you.
In the same way that you shouldn’t feed Twitter trolls, you should also not BE a Twitter troll. Realize that a comment you have about a certain houseguest may be harmful to that person's family, and in all real honesty your opinion probably doesn’t matter to them very much. I love talking crud as much as the next guy, but I keep all my comments strictly game-related because these people are probably super nice in real life. If somebody says to you “your loved one sucks,” the correct response is NOT “oh yeah well eff you muthaeffa,” just block them. A person in the game may not like your loved one, but that doesn’t give you the green light to hate that person. Like I’ve said before, it’s a game. These people are pawns in a jacked up survival environment and they all want to be the last one standing. Don’t contribute of the hate because I’ll personally block you, even if you hate somebody that I don’t like.
5. Breathe, your loved one is safe.
The biggest piece of encouragement I can give ANY BB family member is to keep in mind that your loved one is completely safe from the evil pit of farts that is Twitter/the internet at large. As a BB family member myself, I had to deal with hordes of mouthbreathing idiots who thought it was worth their time to log onto Twitter and give me their two cents on what they think about this or that (their two cents was almost always terrible). I dealt with an abundance of hate, more than other people went through. Some of it was because I was more active than other family members which made me an easy target for hate messages. I was on Twitter during breakfast, at work, after work, and in the middle of the night. I was constantly interacting with fans/freaks. However, your loved one is completely separate from what’s happening outside of the house. They’re not getting those hate messages or whatever, they’re playing the game. So if your loved one becomes unpopular, don’t worry about that quite yet. If the internet becomes overwhelming, just go radio silent. Log off of Twitter, don’t read BB blogs, just watch the show and enjoy it as much as possible. It’s a unique experience that shouldn’t be ruined by Twitter idiots, if they can’t reach you then they can’t hurt you. Let the festering hole of garbage be what it is, unless you feel like “slaying some basics,” then hit me up and I’ll give you Hater Slaying 101 (I have a masters degree in the subject).