Sunday, June 25, 2017

Meet Kevin Schlehuber - Are You Talkin' To Me Jeff? #BB19

Let's all get ready to meet Kevin Schlehuber, who stares at his wedding ring, twirling it on his finger as he begins to introduce himself to us.

Kevin:  My name is Kevin, I come from Boston, and right now I live in Bridgewater.  I'm a stay-at-home dad with seven kids, and I've been married for 31 years.

Big Jeff's head snapped back on his neck when he heard the word "seven".

Jeff:  Wow!  Seven children.

Kevin:  Six daughters.

Jeff is shook.  Kevin shows Jeff his right hand, and pretends it is shaking due to "seven daughters".

Jeff:  So are you gonna miss your daughters?

Kevin:  I am.  I've never been away from them.  It's my first Father's Day without 'em.

Jeff encourages Kevin to say hello to the kids.  Kevin waves at us and says "Hi Girls!  Hi Andrew!"

Kevin clarifies that all of the daughters don't actually live at home with him anymore.

Kevin:  My Ericha---she lives in Salt Lake City.  She's gonna be 30.  She lives there with her boyfriend Robbie....

Big Jeff can see we're headed down a long road filled with folksy information about a bunch of grown children, so he tries to give Kevin a clear signal to nip it in the bud.

Jeff:, waving at us: Well let's just say Hi to all of 'em.

Kevin, not receiving any signal:  You want me to say Hi to all of 'em?  You got another half hour?

Jeff:  No, I wanna hear about you!

But Kevin isn't ready to give up yet.

Kevin:  I wanna say Hi to all of 'em.  There's Ericha, Robbie (isn't that Ericha's boyfriend?), Amanda, Ilanna, Andria.....Andria lives out here, you know.  She's a makeup artist and lives with her boyfriend Chris.

Jeff, going with the flow:  All right.

Kevin:  Alma and Peggy --they're watching this, I'm telling you.

Jeff:  They're pulling for you!

Kevin:  I think they love you more than me.  Let's see...Olivia...she just graduated high school.  She went to the prom, and she's working this summer with her friend Devlin, and Andrew, he's my youngest...he's the love of my life. He's gonna be a senior next year.

Jeff, trying again to wrap it up:  They're all proud of you!

Kevin:  Well, they wanted this, they got it.

Jeff:  Well, that's seven fans that you have all ready, plus America!

Kevin assures Jeff that they may not all be his fans, though.  But I'm confused, so let's do a head count.

1. Ericha
2.  Ilanna
3.  Alyssa
4.  Andria
5.  Alma
6.  Peggy
7.  Olivia
8.  Andrew

I'm not very good at math (a little CPA humor), but I'm coming up with eight, not seven.  But because Kevin named Robbie and Chris (the girls' boyfriends) in his list with the daughters, I think Peggy might be Alma's S.O., which would bring us back to seven.


I've just heard from Alma, with a few corrections.  Peggy is the cousin, not the S.O., and they have a podcast!  I also needed to correct some name spelling, and I think Amanda is really supposed to be Ilanna, so I fixed it.  And Alma seems like a good sport, so thanks for that Alma.

And to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about families that keep having babies until they come up with a son.  I have a client who has five daughters now, and he told me they are "giving up".

Jeff wonders what qualities will make America love Kevin:

Kevin:  Well, I guess I'm pretty easy-going.  And I've been through a lot in life, and I've raised seven children.  So I guess you've gotta follow someone who raised seven children!  And all of the kids still talk to me!  So, that's something.....we'll see.

Kevin also says has a lot of stories that people might like, for just about any subject that comes up.

Kevin:  Like if you brought up a sneaker, I got a sneaker story!

Jeff:  So you think you're gonna use that to your advantage for your social game in dere?

Kevin:  I don't know.  What do you think?

Jeff:  I think you can.

Kevin:  I'll check back and let you know.

Jeff:  Are you gonna answer questions in there?  (That was a stone that Jeff just tossed at Kevin.)

Kevin, laughing:  Yeah, probably. I've been doing that all my life.

Jeff wonders how far Kevin will go to win this game.  Kevin didn't really know what to tell him, saying he'll see how it goes, he thinks he might be able to do it, and he'll let Jeff know.

(All phrases one says when they don't know what to say, but they are hoping that somehow they addressed the question somehow.)

Jeff:  But are you willing to stab someone in the back in order to win?

Kevin ponders this.

Kevin:  Well, uh, I guess if I have to, because that's the game, but I really don't like that saying, because people can take it figuratively, you know what I mean?

Jeff:  This is Big Brother...we're not taking anything figuratively.

Kevin laughs and says sure, he'll stab someone, but only on Big Brother, because he doesn't want anybody to get the wrong idea.

Jeff wonders if Kevin has any other talents we might not know about, and comments on Kevin being a sharp dresser.

Kevin:  When I was a kid growing up in Mission Hills---it's a tough neighborhood in Boston (Kevin waves to the Mission Hills homies), but I won a Slam Dunk contest.

Jeff:  You won a Slam Dunk Contest?  That's a talent!  How tall are you?

Kevin:  Well that depends.  If you're a girl and you're asking how tall I am, it's 6'4".  But if you're a guy and you're asking how high I can dunk, it's 6'1".

Jeff says they can say 6'2" and just split the difference.  Kevin wonders how tall Jeff is and is surprised to hear 5'11".  You look taller, Kevin says.

Kevin: Maybe it's the Nikes.

Jeff:  Depends on who's asking!

Kevin says to join the club and they enjoyed a hearty laugh.

Jeff is gearing up to ask The Hashtag question by first asking if Kevin knows about social media, and if he knows what a hashtag is.

Kevin:  Yeah, I know all about Slashtags.

Jeff:  No, it's hashtag.

Kevin: I know.  But I call it Slashtag.

Jeff tries to do his job by gamely asking Kevin for a damn hashtag after explaining why, but Kevin just isn't willing to cooperate right now.

Kevin:  You know I named your state, don't you?  I was gonna call California the Sunshine State, but instead I called it the Sun Shines State.

Jeff:  Kevin, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Kevin:  Jeff, I'm talking about California.  And I call it the Sun Shines State.

After that Jeff gives up on his question, and asks Kevin if he can be calm in there, because there are going to be a lot of kids running around in there.  Kevin says of course, because his house is like that, too.  Kevin will be calm, he says.

Jeff then launches into his Big Question, but he asks it more slowly, breaking it down and explaining the concept carefully for Kevin.

Kevin:  Well, that's a good question.  The money's important, but it ain't that important.  I guess I'd rather have people like me.

Jeff:  Well, I like ya. You've got a Christopher Walken vibe going on.

Kevin:  I can't believe you said that.  Did you read that on there (Jeff's note card)?  Did somebody tell you that?  That's what they used to call me!

Kevin says that after the movie The Deer Hunter everyone used to call him that.

Kevin:  You know when he used to wear that headband thing on there?

Big Jeff didn't know, but he nodded anyway and asked Kevin to end the interview with a Christopher Walken impression.

Jeff:  Can you do that?

Kevin:  No.

Jeff is shook.

Kevin:  I can't do a Christopher Walken impression.

Jeff:  Well, we gotta go now.

Kevin:  I see.  Well it's very nice to meet you.


Okay.  What in the H-E-Double-Toothpick was that!  What just happened in there?  How the hell is this allowed to happen?

Let me make myself clear.

I'm not that bothered by Kevin's age.  I am old enough to know that I will be 5, too, sooner than later, and actually have a number of friends in their 50's already.  And BBCAN just had a house guest in her 40's (I think?) and she did a great job being entertaining and actually got dragged to the end as a goat.  Rob Lowe, John Stamos, and Brad Pitt are all in their 50's.  Evel Dick is about Kevin's age, too.  So age alone is not the issue for me as far as Big Brother goes.

It's that Kevin seems more like a 70 year old to me, with the confusion and the inability to converse convincingly with Big Jeff.  And he seems like he's from Central Casting for a mob movie with the accent, the clothes, and the unwillingness to talk about back stabbing.  And how is he a stay-at-home dad if his youngest kid is a senior in high school?  Does his wife support the family?  Is Kevin just not willing to speak about his employment history?

And then I googled Kevin Schlehuber.  And I found his father has the same name, and was convicted in 2006 for running one of the largest cocaine distribution rings in the 1990's.  Interestingly enough, Kevin himself ("Our" Kevin) is one of seven children, too, and is quoted in this article I found from the Boston Globe.

I'm tempted to draw some conclusions about Our Kevin with this information, but I am smart enough not to do that.  I lived in New York...I worked with a lot of different people.  I know a few things about a few things. And if you know those same things, too, then you know we can just leave it at that.

After living in New York and learning some things, I developed an interest in the topic that was no doubt influenced by watching The Sopranos", which was the top show on HBO at the time.  And I read books about it, like Donny Brasco, Murder Machine, and Blow, all books that feature real-life drug trafficking stories in the New England - New York corridor.  I just read a biography of Whitey Bulger, too, who was a fugitive from the Boston crime scene and was captured a few years ago living in and hiding out in Santa Monica California.

(One of the guys I worked with in New York dragged me outside to speak with me privately one time, and advised me to never say "thank you" to a certain person that I had just interacted with, because saying that means that I will "owe that guy a favor, and you don't want that".  I wish I could tell a few stories about it all, but I don't think it is a good idea.)

So I know a little about a lot of these things.  Kevin may be a dad who stays at home, but I really don't think he has always been a stay-at-home dad, if you know what I mean.

He's a handsome devil, that's for sure.

With a good head of hair as well.

Let's take a look at Kevin's CBS Bio, but let's keep our expectations low.

Because  Low Expectations ==> High Returns, of course.

I wonder where he met Derrick Levasseur?  I just wrote a joke about that, but I'm not going to post it.  No need to play with fire at this point.  It was probably about exactly what you think it was about.

Kevin's Fun Facts might be the best yet, of all the house guests, because he's had more time to do amazing things, I guess.  I think Kevin may need to make a visit to Atlanta, because I'll bet he can get cast for some movie and TV roles without even trying. (Did you know that more movies were filmed in Georgia last year then in any other US state?)

Kevin certainly has "It", but I don't necessarily think "It" is a good fit for Big Brother.

Prove me wrong, Kevin.  And for god's sake, stay off the internet once you leave the house and stay away from those Slashtags.

Meet Jason Dent - This Clown Knows How To Deal With Some Bullsh*t. #BB19

Let's all say Howdy to new house guest Jason, who is just as smiley as he appears in the picture below as he tells Big Jeff that he's Jason Dent from Humeston Iowa and he's a "rodeo clown and an auctioneer".

Jason: ....and I'm glad to be here!

Let me tell you, Big Jeff is THRILLED.  He's chatted with 14 other house guests already and gone through some rough patches with a few people.  (Yes, Cody Nickson....I'm looking at you.)  But Jeff can tell this one is going to be an easy ride, because Jason is grinning like the Cheshire Cat after dropping those two employment bombs on Big Jeff.

Jeff:  Wait...a rodeo clown?  I think that's a first on Big Brother.  I've gotta find out more about that.

Jason:  I like that!  Being first....that's what I'm going for all the time...FIRST.

(Actually, I think Steven Daigle from BB10 called himself a rodeo clown, but who knows if that was really true or not.  It might have just been a casting ploy.  Steven is a porn "star" now, so google that name at your own risk.)

Jeff tells us that before the interview, Jason asked Jeff if this interview meant he was on the show for real.

Jeff:  This is're on da show now!  And we're on da live feeds, and all da fans are watching!

Jason looks legitimately thrilled about this, being officially on da show, and on da live feeds with all da fans watching.

Jason:  Woo woo!  All right!

Jason tells Jeff that the name of his rodeo clown character is "Whistle-Nut", but there isn't really a big story behind the name.

Jason:  The thing is, kids think it's something dirty, so they always laugh at it, and their parents don't reprimand them, so they're like WHISTLE-NUT! WHISTLE-NUT! WHISTLE-NUT!

Jeff is thoroughly engrossed with this house guest story, which is a refreshing change for all of us today, after what we've all seen and heard.

(Note that I looked it up, and apparently Whistle-Nut does use a hyphen.  He may be dumb, but he's not stupid.)

Jason: the kids keep repeating it, and that's good branding for me, but the parents don't really know what to think, so they're like WHISTLE-NUT?

Jeff laughs.

Jason:  See?  It's funny!

(OK.  I know some of you Big City BB Fans think anyone from the middle of the country is a big dumb idiot, but Jason here is an example that it doesn't have to be that way.  Jason has already shown that he is witty and observant, and a good conversationalist.  Plus, who would think a rodeo clown would contemplate branding?  So let's not be so quick to judge.  I mean, we're here to judge, all right, but it's good to remind ourselves that morons can originate anywhere, not just in Iowa.)

I used to date a guy who grew up in Iowa (a scientist), and whenever I brought him to one of my work-related functions he would end up in a corner with one of my co-workers who was from South Dakota.  The two of them would catch a buzz off the free booze and then have fun insulting each other about their respective home states, which appears to be somewhat of a tradition in that part of the country.  Here are a couple of Iowa jokes that I remember.

*  What is the best thing to come out of Iowa?  INTERSTATE 80.

*  What does Iowa stand for?  IDIOTS OUTSIDE WALKING AROUND.

Jeff wonders how he will introduce himself in the house.

Jeff:  Are you gonna go with Jason, or Whistle-Nut?

Jason:  Hmmm.  It's hard to say.  I'll probably just go with Jason at first before breaking out the Whistle-Nut, because you never know.  Some people don't like clowns.

I don't like clowns. But I have a good reason....I was at a parade as a child and a clown who was marching by marched right over to me to present me with a flower.  When I took it from him, it turned out that I was left holding an empty plastic drinking straw, while the stupid clown just turned and walked off with the stupid flower. And everyone laughed.  Plus most clowns are creepy as fuck now.

I would be remiss not to reference "Clownie" here, which was BB15 Aaryn Gries' childhood play toy.  After she got Clownie in her HoH basket, McCrae, Spencer and Andy had fun helping Clownie commit assisted suicide in various parts of the house.  For example, suicide by hanging, and also by suffocation.

But I digress.  AGAIN, I know.

Jeff wondered if Jason is a fan of Big Brother.

Jason:  Oh, I'm a HUGE fan NOW!

Jeff laughs at Jason's honesty, then clarifies that maybe Jason hasn't watched too many previous seasons.

Jason:  I'm gonna make a mark here, on my character maybe, but....I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

Jeff:  Oh, so you're goin' in blind?

Jason, taking a deep breath:  Yep, I'm going in blind.

(I wonder if he watched the DVDs in sequester?  Or was he just like, fuck it, it's too late to study for Final Exams the night before Test Day.  I kind of hope it's the latter.  Just to see how TERRIFIED Jason would be to see the Zingbot bump his bulky mess down the hall in there.)

It's not like Big Jeff was some Big Brother expert before he appeared on BB11, so he's interested to hear what Jason's strategy might be, coming in blind and all.

(Jeff went to an open BB11 casting call in Chicago with a girl he may or may not have been dating.  It was her idea, but Jeff is the one who made Da Big Show and the rest is history for Big Jeff.)

Jason isn't sure how to even answer Jeff's strategy question, saying only that he wants to "mastermind the win...that's all".

Jeff: OK.  So how are you gonna do that?

Jason:  Well, I wanna vote all the guys out, and all the girls out.

They both crack up at that.  Jeff wonders why he didn't think of that.

Jeff:  You just want to be the last one!

Jason:  Yep.  The last one.

Jeff:  That's a pretty good strategy.

Jeff:  What are your expectations in there?  Do you expect anything based on what you know?

Jason:  No.

That made me laugh.  And then Jason continued.

Jason:  ....My expectations are that I'm a product of where I'm at right now, meaning that in the house I'm just gonna....

Jeff, trying to help out:  Your social're a fun guy.

Jason:  ...yeah, yeah.  I use all my resources everywhere I go.  I don't worry about where I'm not, and that's what I call focus.  I worry about where I'm at, not where I'm not.  So I can't really delve in and tell you some complete strategy, because that is gonna be changing all the time.

(People are making fun of Jason for this, but he's a clown.  Jason don't care...honesty will set you free, people.)

Jason:  When I was first thinking about all this, I was trying to think up a strategy, and I thought, if they bring in a returning player, I'm gonna buddy up with that sucker real quick....

Big Jeff tries to suppress a big smile.  It's not clear that Jason even knows how Big Jeff got this job, and I think Jeff loves that.

Jason: ...and pick up all of the information that I could, because I knew I didn't know much about the show.  But then I thought if that is my strategy, and there wasn't a returning player, or somehow if that didn't work,  then I'd just be panicking, and obsessed with something that's not gonna work.  So, I don't have a strategy except to use my senses.

Jeff:  I think you'll do fine, because you can think on your feet.  Because if a bull's running at you, you gotta get the hell out of the way.

Jason, laughing:  EXACTLY.

Jeff:  You'll know what to do.

Jason:  Yeah, I figured, I GOT THIS, because I'm in HIGH INTENSIVE PRESSURE SITUATIONS all the time!  I got this.

Jeff tells Jason that it won't happen that fast in the BB house.

Jeff:  That bull is coming by slower....and it's a few months away.

Jason:  Yeah, I figure I'll have time to assess the situation....

Jason:  And you know, just like anybody....I think you're a cool guy, but you probably think I'm a tool...

Jeff::   NO!  I like ya...I like ya!

Jason:  ...and those type of feelings only happen when you're there....with guys or girls or'll get that little trust feeling and then you'll make some type of alliance.

Jeff:  Absolutely.  Are you single?

Jason:  I'm married and I've got a son.

Jeff:  I was gonna ask what you'll miss most, but...(because Big Jeff is married with a son now, too).

Jason:  It's just all perspective, because...this is HUGE.  This is what every rodeo clown wants...this is the biggest arena that you can get into, you know?

Jeff is loving all this new, interesting chatter.

Jason:  So am I gonna miss my son?  YOU BET.  He's two, he's gonna get to watch Dad on TV.  He's awesome.  And his mom, I said, I might have to make a showmance, it's gonna be terrible....(obviously kidding).

Jeff, cracking up: Was she good with that?


And they had a big laugh.  Two dads having a laugh about hooking up with some randoms on TV.  It's a moment, for sure.

Jeff:  What are you going to do with the money if you win?

Jason:  I'm gonna make a down payment on a helicopter so I can fly my bull around to the rodeos. (obviously joking)

Jeff:  I want to see this all come to fruition. (Yes, FRUITION, a 50-cent word from Big Jeff.)

Jason:  That would be amazing.

Jeff has just one more question, and it's the Big One, and Jason has never heard that question before, so he listens carefully and then emotes, indicating that it's a tough choice.

Jason, after a moment:  I"m gonna have to choose lose and be loved, because that can open more doors

Jeff grins at us.  He knows all about that.

Jason, grinning too:  BUT, at the same time, it's too early to tell!  I mean, THAT MONEY IS LOOKING PRET-TEE DAMN GOOD.

Jeff:  I think that's fair enough.  This is gonna be a different type of rodeo in there.

Jason:  I cannot wait...I cannot wait!


Well, watching Jason's video again was a pleasant surprise.  After writing up so many other house guest intro posts,  I find Jason's strategy and plan for the summer to be just as good as what anybody else had to say.  And I think Jason seems like one of the most honest and down-to-earth players this season.  And I like his complete answer to Big Jeff's Big Question.  Because he left me thinking he might be willing to do what needs to be done to win this thing.

He certainly might be the most famous of the house guests, going in.  Because Christmas has some fame with the fitness and horny dude crowd, but do little kids run after her for autographs?  Has Christmas turned livestock into a mascot who is beloved by rodeo-goers all over the tri-state area?  (Jason has, which you'll learn about momentarily.)

I found a great video from the local Iowa TV station that was filmed just after Jason was "kidnapped" by Production.  I couldn't find a way to upload the video, but you can easily watch it here.  Jason's wife Holly is a looker, and tells us that someone from Production saw Jason's Facebook page and reached out to meet him.  The TV station also does a little floozy profiling, too, which made me laugh out loud.

His son's name is Gatlin.  Gatlin Dent is a badass name, for sure.

And this must be the Facebook page.  Whistle-Nut is famous, ya'll.  And so is his bull Ole.

In his CBS Bio, Jason says that Ole is his best friend.  It certainly looks like it to me.

That's a big ass bull, right?  I look forward to hearing some great Ole stories this summer on the live feeds.

I found a great newspaper article from 2014 that profiles Jason and Holly Dent when they moved to town.  (You know it's small time newspaper because it's a very long article that a real live local reporter wrote.  Sadly, that doesn't happen much anymore.)

Here is the link to the full article, which includes interesting nuggets such as:

*  His wife Holly was a runway model for wedding dresses.
*  Jason has a degree in Agricultural Management, and used to be a Manager with ConAgra, but he didn't like all of the "corporate bologna" there.
*  Jason used to be a bull rider before becoming a rodeo clown.
*  Jason is 6'4", bitches.
*  A bull stepped on his head once, requiring a Life Flight helicopter ride to the ER.  (Wow.)

Let's take a look at Jason's CBS Bio, which is short, but it does back up everything we've already learned about Jason.  (Unlike a few other suspected poser house guests....)

Yeah, I think Jason's stories are going to be a lot of fun, and being able to entertain his new roommates can be an important skill in this game.  All of the former house guests talk about how boring it gets with nothing to do...that is where Jason can come to the rescue with his ability to weave some good yarns.

(I have a Scottish neighbor  that I ran into walking our dogs earlier today.  He told me that he's been enjoying a "ripping good yarn".  In other words, he's reading a good book.  Ha ha.)

And he's got to have some great athletic abilities, right?  I think everyone might underestimate him in many ways, and that might be the wrong move to make for them.  Being that tall will hurt you in some of the endurance competitions (ie:  The Wall) but surely being able to run from a fire-breathing bull means you know how to fake someone out, and then run like hell.

So let's see what Jason can do in there.  Why shouldn't Whistle-Nut win this thing?

WHY NOT WHISTLE-NUT?  WHY NOT JASON?  I can't think of a good reason. And you know I would proudly tell you so if I could.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Meet Cody Nickson: I'm Going to Have to Ask You to Step Outside, PonyBoy. WAY Outside. #BB19

Big Jeff sat down for a chat with Cody Nickson, who says he is from Dallas Texas, and he's "in sales".

Cody immediately looks at Jeff after he says this with his mouth open.  He looks scared, like he might not have answered the question correctly.

Jeff and I both knew immediately that this was probably going to be "one of those interviews".  You know, the kind where Jeff has to try and pry the information out of Cody.  The kind where he'll have to keep reminding Cody to look at the camera.  Because Big Brother is a TeeVee Show, Cody, and you're being filmed for broadcast.

Jeff:  So, are you gonna use some of those sales tactics to persuade some of the house guests perhaps?

Cody, exasperated already: I don't know.  I mean....

Jeff, laughing and feeling punchy:  At least you've got it all together!

Cody, in a sluggish fashion:  It's sales for like, roofing, so I go and knock on doors...

(Oh my god.  Study hard in school, kids, so that you can get a job that you don't feel like you have to apologize for, like our new friend Cody here.)

Jeff:   So you actually go door to door?

Cody, positively suicidal:  Yee-aaah.

Jeff:  It's tough. Believe me.  I know the sales game.

Cody:  Yeah.  It's not fun at all.  I've got people slamming doors in my face all day.  I'm not going to do it after this, though.  It's just a small gig.

Jeff:  OK.  So you're planning on winning this, taking home half a million:

Cody:  Oh yeah..... I guess.

Jeff, grinning:  ...and maybe starting your own company?

Cody:  Maybe.  I should hope so. But not in sales though.

(I think Jeff was indicating that Cody will need to create work for himself.  Because who in the hell is going to hire him after watching this performance?  I mean, other than a porn company, because their target hiring demographic is probably disenfranchised youth with good abs and poor judgement.)

Jeff does his best to counsel Cody, while providing some not-so-subtle clues that he needs to step it up and start putting out some personality here.

Jeff:  Well, I think the sales skills can help you in the game, to maybe be more personable in there.  Because you might hate what you're doing, but you're gonna have to...just like this....act like you like the person you're in the house with.  RIGHT?  At least for a little while.

(Note that Jeff kept using his hands to indicate that there is an audience out THERE, so Cody has to be personable in HERE, using his notecard to point at us, the viewers.)

Cody, not taking any hints at all yet: Yee-aah.  I mean, I don't have to like 'em.

(All of this happened in just 57 seconds. Fifty-seven PAINFUL seconds.  With only 275 seconds left to go...)

Jeff asked Cody if he had a strategy going into the house, but I could tell that Big Jeff had little hope that Cody would be able to provide a cogent answer.

Cody:  Uh...I can't imagine trying to keep them from seeing that I'm strong right away, so I want to win that first competition.

Jeff, somewhat encouraged:  Oh!  Okay.

Cody:  Yeah...I want to win that first competition so maybe it will open up the lines of communication with the other house guests?  (Yes, he turned it into a question.)

Jeff:  OK.  Very interesting.  What do you think one of your downfalls might be, maybe?

Cody: I don't know.  Honesty?  (Cody must think this is a graded quiz or something.)

Jeff:  Yeah, okay.

Cody:  I don't lie very much in my everyday life.  I kinda think that when people lie, they're scared of something. So I'm gonna somehow have to condition myself to lie in there, I guess.

Jeff:  So are you having a good time?

Cody, hesitating:  Yeah.

Jeff cracks up and so does Cody.  It's funny.  It's possible that this is as painful for Cody as it is for Jeff.


Cody:  I'll figure it out. I think I'll just condition myself in there.  For example I'm gonna lie about my age in there first thing, and then lie about everything else after that.  I'll figure it out.

Who else is offended right now?  Is THIS what Robyn Kass thinks we want to see?  Why does Cody think he needs to lie about everything?  Why would he lie about his age?  Who cares if he's 32?  I mean, I guess he can get higher porn money if they think he's 19 or something.  Did they run out of guys in Texas that can talk?  Maybe the twist is that we're getting punked with this interview.  Maybe Cody was just repairing the drywall in the office down the hall and they offered him $50 to sit with Big Jeff and pretend that he's a house guest.  It would be a funny prank to pull on Jeff.

Seriously, this Cody is making Corey Brooks seem like Chatty Cathy.  We're only at the 1:39 mark right now and I'm ready to slam my head against the wall so I don't have to finish this.  It's AGONY, actually.  I'm trying to entertain myself by wondering what Les Moonves would think if he's watching this.   I'm scared, and it's not even my fault!

Jeff:  Are you single Cody?

Cody:  Yes.

Jeff:  Are you looking to find someone in there?

Cody: Am I looking to find someone?  No....I mean, showmances are kinda dumb.

Jeff looks at us and laughs heartily, so Cody does too, but I don't even know if Cody knows what is funny about it.

Jeff:  Well, they work for some people.

Cody: If it doesn't make me an outsider, then I might do it.  But if it makes me an outsider, I won't do it.

(We're at the 1:57 mark.  I'm going to either kill myself or crack open a beer right now.  I'll let you guess which option wins out.)

Jeff continues to Beat the Dead Horse because hey, he's got another three and a half minutes to fill.

Jeff:  So it's all strategy for you.  You're sayin' there'll be no love for Cody in there.

Cody:  Well, if there's a bunch of it in there and I'm the outsider because I'm single, I might jump in.  But if I'm going to be an outsider because I'm not in a showmance, then I won't do it.

Jeff:  OK.  You're laying it out there right now.  No love for Cody!

I would KILL for Jeff to call Cody PonyBoy right now.

I feel like we all need some good hearty  laughs.  But maybe Cody will mention being on BB All Stars next season, or being voted America's Favorite Player this year, so we can guffaw over that.

And we're STILL talking about the damn showmance possibilities, I guess.

Cody:  She's going to have to be gorgeous for me to do that.


Cody:  Yeah, a bunch.

Jeff:  So you know there are gorgeous people on da show.

Cody:  Yeah, I know.


(We're at 2:24.)

Jeff is finally ready to leave all of this romantic showmance chatter behind, and asks Cody if he wants a partner to go through the game with, showmance or no showmance.

Cody:  Yeah.  If there's a strong girl in there....I've never seen a really strong girl in there...then that's my go to.

Jeff:  The last house guest in here bench-pressed this couch.

Cody:  Really?

Jeff::  No

(Do we have Christmas Abbott to blame for this casting choice? Although, with any luck she got subbed out with an alternate Wednesday morning.  It's not too soon to pull the plug on Cody, Allison.  Please.  I'm begging you.)

We're not even halfway through here, so I'm going to wave the white flag and just write bullet points so we can put this interview out of it's misery.

*  Cody wants to win this game, but he's not going to "sell his soul to the Devil" for it.

*  Cody casually drops that he has a kid, pointing out that you can't teach your kid integrity by being on Big Brother because it's not that kind of game.

*  Cody's daughter is 5 years old.  This summer was Cody's time to have her, but he's giving that up to be on Big Brother.

Jeff:  Oh, Wow.

Cody:  It is what it is.

*  Cody doesn't cry and swears not to cry at all.

Cody:  I never cry.  Never.

Jeff:  You're telling me you're never gonna cry in here?  I'm calling it right're getting in a showmance and you're going to be sitting right here crying about it. I'm calling it right now. They're gonna bring you some tissues and you'll be fine.

*  Jeff asked Cody the Big Question, about choosing to lose and be loved, or win and be hated, and Cody actually has an awesome answer.

Cody:  Well, I'm not sure they're gonna like me at all, anyway.

*  Cody's pet peeve is people who make "victim noises".   I thought he meant people who make excuses and whine and complain, but it turns out to be something different.  Cody demonstrates for Big Jeff that he means when athletes are hit by something and they grab their leg and groan in pain. (WHAT?)

As the interview finally ended, Big Jeff stood up quickly, slinging his notecards angrily at the glass wall in front of him.  "I've had it with this shit, man", Jeff yelled as he stormed out of the room.  Then a timid-looking girl with a headset and a brown ponytail came in the room and led Cody out to safety.

(Made that last paragraph up. Sorry. I just felt like we needed a big finish.)


Yeah, well this is bad.  One of the worst, actually.  I'm never going to get that time back.

How did Cody get cast?  I just can't accept that who I just saw in that video is who Cody was during the casting process.  He was so hostile about having to talk to Jeff, when in reality, Jeff may be one of the nicest guys in the world.  Every summer I hear the house guests sit around in the backyard and talk about how excited they were to meet Jeff, and how fun it was to talk to him.  Yet Cody acted if he were being audited by the IRS or something.

Cody got mocked in Entertainment Weekly, but I think EW could have been much more brutal.  And does anyone actually think Cody is "problematically hot"?  I do think he looked sweaty in the interview with Jeff, and that's kind of a problem,  guess.

I actually think Cody is more like Caleb and Lane, with a healthy dose of Monte from BBOTT., but I can see their point, too.

I took a look at Cody's CBS Bio, and it does seem as if a different person wrote it.  Someone who wasn't irritated by being questioned, and actually wanted to control their own narrative.

Why didn't he bring up the Marines?  People like to hear stuff like that, and it might have helped to explain how he got to age 32 and is working in a job he hates.  And he's a surfer?  That would have been some good conversational fodder as well.

Cody says he plans to be "part of every conversation".  WHAT?  I'll be watching for that, I assure you.

Cody's "Fun Facts" are all rather interesting.  He specifically mentions the Rubik's Cube---Cameron Heard also mentioned being an expert Rubik's Cuber, too. And Cody swears he's never been offended.

WHAT?  What a strange thing to say, right?

I'm fairly certain that somehow, someone (probably on Reddit) is going to spend A LOT of time trying to do just that.